i'm reluctant to resume my studying schedule, as stipulated in a wordpad document that i have typed out late last night/ into the wee hours of this morning, so i'm just sitting here, bumming around in my room, wondering how long it will take for the fog across the road to disperse.


it's amazing how small the world is, really.

met up with inquisitive over lunch yesterday, before 2131 lecture.
she said that she would intro me to a friend from her pol science module who is her project group mate.

it turned out to be jason.
it's funny, because i've known him longer than she has; in fact, i ve known the both of them for approximately the same length of time; since year one.
i guess i miss the feeling, J, him, and me, just bumming around in J's room, not really doing anything, sometimes watching some lousy dorama that J ripped off the net, or just talking about japanese language, or some random mundane things.

anyway,
don't laugh at me, but
i'm in computer comm! i'm a certified geek now [my secret budding aspiration]

actually to be honest it's just because J is the head, and he needs people [i dunno, to make up the numbers?] so he put me in despite me missing the whole round of interviews and stuff! haha, thats the benefit of knowing influential and powerful people in hall. *smirk* but not that J is that kind of person....

anyway i'm kind of miffed, because im going to get freaking 14 points from doing rag. hello, people play sports for ihg and they get 8++ points per sport. thanks eusoff hall, now i can see the amount of value you place on people who sign indemnity forms implying that if they were to slave and die for rag, you really can't be bothered.

it's not that i did it for the points [hell if i did anything for the points i wouldnt be in n number of comms, least to say rag]; i don't think any one of the 17 of us did; but somehow it would be a consolation for our hard work and contribution to the hall if the hall actually showed appreciation to us and showed us how it values us, AND rag, by giving us non-monetary benefits like a substantial amount of hall points, right?

[is rag really only worth 2 and 1/4 sports? dang. i'm pissed.]

oh hindsight, it's fantastic that the constituency has changed, and has managed to fight for an impressive 20 points for this coming and future rag members. if people don't join out of interest initially, at least there is SOME OTHER incentive to join....juniors! lucky bastards! frmph.
--------------------------------------

of kendo....

i realised lately my ki-ai has been changing/has changed.

i wonder if it's a by-product of my maturity, or it's a result of my being compelled/advised to change/improve [i don't know? depends on how you view it?] by a senior?.... i remember sometime ago, a long time ago, in fact, not-so-lousy senpai E talked to me regarding my ki-ai after she watched all of us keiko. She said something about my ki-ai sounding like my normal voice, and how it was different from other seniors. She asked me to observe their ki-ai, and asked me if i could hear the 'want' in their voice. a kind of offensiveness to attack, and desire to score that ippon, i think.
something like that anyway.

i didn't, really. not at that time.
even now, for me, this seems rather profound and... difficult.
i dont even know if i should bother myself over these things, because i know i havent gotten a lot of other more pressing matters right, but i dont know really.

should ki-ai just be natural? whatever comes out of my mouth, i dont really think twice about it before having it come out, and this is with regards to the nature of the sound.


i wonder if all girls have to ki-ai in a high-pitched manner.

i'm starting to ki-ai in a really different way from before, and i'm not liking nor disliking it, but i just dont really understand what was wrong with my previous ki-ai. because despite the ki-ai changing, my internal state of mind hasnt changed. the external change has been natural, but essentially i'm still the same [though i dont think it's a bad thing] which is really confusing, because sometimes i wonder if spending too much time mulling over such superficial things would help.

i mean, during shi-ai or keiko, if i want the point badly enough, i will naturally ki-ai in the manner that scores me an ippon with kikentai no ichi, right? why fret so much over these things? i dont think ki-ai should be something 'planned' or 'rehearsed'; like, oh, i decide the ki-ai must be sharp, and different, so i practice various sounds and see which get the effect...

it's just so....
confusing.

but i guess it's a change for the better, i suppose.




i dont know, really.
but as of now,
this is totally beyond me.

being remembered is a nice feeling.


it's like you feel warm and snuggly inside.





thanks guys, for everything.

man,
i must be getting old.

fuck- my kneecaps are bleeding.

my ankle too.



i cant believe how incredibly unlucky i am today.
i know its my bad luck with shoes, it has to be.

sole-absent running shoes + groove-absent slippers = 2 falls + 2 bleeding kneecaps + 3 cuts + 1 scratched ankle


how am i going to train tomorrow? [everyone knows kendo isnt a spectator sport]

on hindsight,
later today?

damn it.

hot babe got me a pair of patrick slippers.

i love it.
i love the sight of my skinny ugly big feet inside the pink, scary, oversized, cute, fuzzy, crazy slippers. hell, i love patrick with his incompatible too-deep-to-be-real voice, his big, innocent looking eyes, his insanely delirious smile,his green and purple[?] boxers, silly disposition and clueless look...


i hate the first few weeks of school, because i dont feel like doing anything else but running away. call me an escapist, but well... bollocks, i really dont know. it's like, 20 minutes before kendo i ll be bumming around in my room, folding my gi and hakama, trying to find excuses not to go. oh, the weather is too hot. ah, there are too many people to squeeze with on a2, its hard to get off; the training is so xiong, i havent trained for so long i'd feel like dropping out cause of my lousy stamina, the jigeiko is too intimidating, especially if i meet up with xx senior, blah blah.
but of course, i always muster up enough courage, suck in the butterflies in my stomach and go for practice.

which,
after putting on my tare and do,

i never regret.


i guess kendo people are all slightly or at least acutely sadistic in some way or another, since it's an offensive sport and the senseis keep stressing that theres no point in defensive moves... i love the shoik feeling of being in the midst of the practice; my irratic breathing; the feeling of lethargy lying beneath your muscles; focusing your energy and concentration to go in for the ippon...

anyway thats kind of out of point.



i cant wait for today to end la,
so quick,

TUESDAY PLEASE END!
*crosses fingers*

i cant wait for tomorrow, so i can lunch with wife, then go out with wei and miao. zzzz.
i hate classes, and lack the motivation to study!

THERE, i said it.
---------------------------------

of feelings....

somehow this haircut has left me feeling like an asexual being.
which might not be a bad thing, but well.

i dont know, really. especially everytime i see my reflection on the laptop monitor screen, i just feel funny. as in weird-funny, not haha-funny. then i look up and see pictures of myself, long fringe covering my forehead, strands brushing against my neck, and i feel kind of nostalgic.
my mother says i look just like a small boy now.
i think its because my features arent particularly feminine.

i've always secretly wanted to be androgynous, but now, after i've become, instead of feeling sexy [if it should make me!] i'm feeling asexual! i feel like a monk sometimes la, dey. *slaps forehead* its almost as if i should start going vegetarian, and chant sutras to gain enlightenment or something ! crazy... maybe im just plain weird....



urgh i cant wait to turn 20!

okay i'm rambling already.

nevermind.

im stuck here at hall, wondering if i should go to jurong library to sleep, or go to imm daiso to buy my transparent umbrella.

it's really stupid,

but i really want one.



i know my old one is stuck at the soci department, but im lazy to get it.

rainy days always make me feel nostalgic. it's the kind of scary emoshit that slowly crawls on your back and hits you hard when you least expect it. then im looking up at the sky, opening my palms expectantly as the rain drops hit my skin, wanting to skip lecture to walk leisurely in the rain with my beautiful transparent umbrella.
------------------------------------------------------

nothing much recently, except i met up with wife, kon and hot babe the other day.
everyone looks good, except maybe me, or so i think. well. *clears throat*.
such good fun. we always have.

looking to arranging regular meetings every month. if it's even earthly possible.



rainy days either make me want to curl up in bed, at home, as in, HOME, not hall, under my warm comfy blanket, and sleep, or splash around in puddles and throw my umbrella around when nobody is watching.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

a little sad with my current state now; apparently my stamina has dropped significantly, so im compelled to train up my stamina so as to not let myself down and not throw face in front of the freshies. sigh. sometimes i think kendo is something that is too high-commitment and high-maintenance for me... but i've never gone to a practice and regretted after it... it's the shiok feeling of having pushed the limit, the slight breathlessness, the rush of adrenaline, the satisfaction from some good cuts and techniques, the disgruntlement at stuff that needs to be worked on....

even during last practice, when i did a small merlion [without my men, thank goodness] i immediately felt relieved after that. sometimes... i dont know really.

i think i ll just take things one step at a time. my parents reckon im too much of a 3-minute person, considering my brief affairs with calligraphy, art, choir, dance, etc... but well. i dont know, really... maybe there are just too many things im fond of but i just cant seem to do that well in them, or keep myself interested long enough... persistence, persistence!

------------------------------------------------------

something i really, really, really, really want to go this weekend. but i don't have the tickets! they were snapped up in 3 hours =(

check out the programme and a short summary of the film sypnopses and their respective directors at:
www.nationalmuseum.sg



here's the line up for this week:

Sat 18 Aug 2pm
Wrong Turn by Charles Lim
Tracks by Gavin Lim
SuperDONG by Pok Yue Weng
Fonzi by Kirsten Tan
Take Me Home A.K.A I saw Jesus by Gozde and Russel Zehnder
(Total Duration: 65mins, Rating: M18)












fonzi, by kirsten














tracks, by gavin









i really, really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, really want to watch fonzi and tracks.

tickets, anyone? *sigh*


or maybe,
anyone interested to wait at the door with me to see if there are any tickets?

i love happy endings.

as much as i would like to pretend, to act suave, cool and unaffected,
inside, deep deep inside, squirmingly,

i really do.


but sometimes these happy endings come with a bitter aftertaste, which might not be a bad thing.
because today,

when we stood, united, our fists clutching each others, our teeth clenched, our eyes closed, our heads bowed, our hearts wishing,

when the awards were given for best float design and best float presentation,
i thought all was lost.
and the disappointment was so clearly written over all of our faces, all 17 of us, some perhaps more than others...

and i couldnt help, because the stubborn tears threatened to fall, and all i could do to stop myself from crying was to let mr mark emanuel [dunno how to spell] hug my head and console me and tell me it was alright


so when i believed the die was cast, and all was lost,
when the emcee announced for the rag shield to be presented to

'the hall that always goes to fong seng for supper'

i blanked out for a moment and thought, tears streaming on my face,
sheares people go to fong seng for supper meh?!


EUSOFF HALL RAGGERS WON THE RAG SHIELD 07/08!
bloody freaking hell blistering bollocks! with a team of 17 raggers, including only 3 wardrobers, who had to double up as engineers at the beginning,

we did it.



whatever sentiment,
whatever emotion,
whatever thought
just left my mind, left my soul, left my being

when thought came back,
i started to remember all the obstacles, all the disappointments, all the impossibles, all the discouragement, be it from the seniors, from ourselves, from the nature of our work, from elsewhere...


when we said we wanted to make a globe spinning on a c-frame with a slanted axis,
nobody believed it could be done.
the seniors advised us to adjust the design, and recommended a vertical axis, citing a slanted one as being quite impossible.

but we made it.
and i've been the silly bastard sitting behind this big baby, spinning it, shaking it from left to right while the dancers pump it along to space jam.


when we said we wanted to make the shuttle fly, nobody believed it could be done. people said we were insane, people said it would take a miracle, or 10 or so dragon boaters or andrew boeys to make it happen

but we did it.
with just 5 fanatastic rag guys. kudos to the fantastic shuttle team!





whatever thing that's impossible can just forget about it,

cause we just made the impossible possible.

after 10 years of performing onstage, basking with others under the limelight,

i've had my small taste of being in the background; being invisible, being semi-there.
but it's not a bad feeling, i think.


i suppose anyone who has been trained to perform during lunch breaks in front of rowdy student crowds, performed on overseas on international television, had exposure from taking part in international competitions who agree;

it's a wonderful feeling.
to sing when someone's watching,
to dance when someone's looking.

the attention is amazing.


but sometimes i think,
what i really miss more,
is singing with my choir friends;
dancing with my fellow dancers;

i always think the best feeling is to sing like nobody's listening, and dance like nobody's watching.


which is why sometimes it sickens me to see people fighting to get a more prominent spot in the limelight. i suppose i've had my fair share of being a performer, and grabbing attention. these things pass, and then you realise, they're so insignificant and unimportant.


when im sorting keyboard keys,
or when im painting gradient on some cardboard,
or when cutting some stubborn 5-ply,
or when im grinding some aluminium bars, bits flying into my safety-goggles-protected eyes,
or when im screwing/nut-ing some 2 by 1 together

i look up and i see you guys.
its nothing much,

but a dozen times, maybe n times, where n is an integer ---> infinity would be more accurate, i've been down and out, frustrated, pissed, miffed, sleepy, tired, depressed, and wanted to just throw away what i was doing and just yell

I QUIT!

high level of difficulty, not-so-fantastic working conditions, low level of affirmation and recognition from others, low level of prestige, long working hours, high level of fatigue,

who wouldn't?

but i didnt.
and the same goes for the 17 of you, my friends, my co-workers, my chums, my crazy shit pals,



we bore and worked through all this nonsense, and here we are, 3 days away.

when i look at the performers,
full of excitement, all jittery, chattering loudly and relentlessly hiding behind the landscape pieces, be it during sets, when we were tekanned for not moving in props on time from stage right, or during rag, while i was/am hiding behind the huge piece of paper mache, plastic, wire mesh and aluminium bar,

sometimes i wish those of us behind would be treated better, would be respected more.
but things arent as i wish, and they cant be. at least not with people like them.

i think to myself and i understand.



because i know
at least this time,
what really matters is us. the 17 of us.

the 3 months of sweat, blood, and tears that we've given to rag, given to eusoff hall; given to each other. and during the process that we slugged it out, the amazing things we have created, made, screwed, cut, grinded, painted, stuck with our bare hands.




the next time a singaporean says i'm crazy for having had joined hall rag,

i ll just think to myself and smirk.


because non-raggers just don't understand.

i must have some bad karma with nus, maybe accumulated in my past life, because everytime bidding comes around i get really anal and i just cant seem to get my modules right.

which other year one is left with 0 modules at the end of round 2 and had to end up taking 1 year 1 module, 3 year 2 modules and 1 year 3 modules during his/her first semester?

now i cant get my core, which i paired with another, following the advice of some smart seniors.
sometimes i really hate it.

and i missed my module preference exercise, which i mistook for major declaration exercise. its like really im quite pissed with myself. im sad, hungry, frustrated, and want to cry.


at the same time, it's lunch break now at rag and i have to start work in 1 hour's time. i just want to sit in front of the computer the whole time, and make sure i freaking get the module. in year 1, it was orientation. now, it's rag. i never seem to learn my lesson. next year i swear that i wont do anything else, except monitor the bid points every single hour, and especially after bidding ends.




how now?

it's silly im worrying over such things, but i just cant smile when things never go as i planned. it sucks, it just sucks.