i'm reluctant to resume my studying schedule, as stipulated in a wordpad document that i have typed out late last night/ into the wee hours of this morning, so i'm just sitting here, bumming around in my room, wondering how long it will take for the fog across the road to disperse.


it's amazing how small the world is, really.

met up with inquisitive over lunch yesterday, before 2131 lecture.
she said that she would intro me to a friend from her pol science module who is her project group mate.

it turned out to be jason.
it's funny, because i've known him longer than she has; in fact, i ve known the both of them for approximately the same length of time; since year one.
i guess i miss the feeling, J, him, and me, just bumming around in J's room, not really doing anything, sometimes watching some lousy dorama that J ripped off the net, or just talking about japanese language, or some random mundane things.

anyway,
don't laugh at me, but
i'm in computer comm! i'm a certified geek now [my secret budding aspiration]

actually to be honest it's just because J is the head, and he needs people [i dunno, to make up the numbers?] so he put me in despite me missing the whole round of interviews and stuff! haha, thats the benefit of knowing influential and powerful people in hall. *smirk* but not that J is that kind of person....

anyway i'm kind of miffed, because im going to get freaking 14 points from doing rag. hello, people play sports for ihg and they get 8++ points per sport. thanks eusoff hall, now i can see the amount of value you place on people who sign indemnity forms implying that if they were to slave and die for rag, you really can't be bothered.

it's not that i did it for the points [hell if i did anything for the points i wouldnt be in n number of comms, least to say rag]; i don't think any one of the 17 of us did; but somehow it would be a consolation for our hard work and contribution to the hall if the hall actually showed appreciation to us and showed us how it values us, AND rag, by giving us non-monetary benefits like a substantial amount of hall points, right?

[is rag really only worth 2 and 1/4 sports? dang. i'm pissed.]

oh hindsight, it's fantastic that the constituency has changed, and has managed to fight for an impressive 20 points for this coming and future rag members. if people don't join out of interest initially, at least there is SOME OTHER incentive to join....juniors! lucky bastards! frmph.
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of kendo....

i realised lately my ki-ai has been changing/has changed.

i wonder if it's a by-product of my maturity, or it's a result of my being compelled/advised to change/improve [i don't know? depends on how you view it?] by a senior?.... i remember sometime ago, a long time ago, in fact, not-so-lousy senpai E talked to me regarding my ki-ai after she watched all of us keiko. She said something about my ki-ai sounding like my normal voice, and how it was different from other seniors. She asked me to observe their ki-ai, and asked me if i could hear the 'want' in their voice. a kind of offensiveness to attack, and desire to score that ippon, i think.
something like that anyway.

i didn't, really. not at that time.
even now, for me, this seems rather profound and... difficult.
i dont even know if i should bother myself over these things, because i know i havent gotten a lot of other more pressing matters right, but i dont know really.

should ki-ai just be natural? whatever comes out of my mouth, i dont really think twice about it before having it come out, and this is with regards to the nature of the sound.


i wonder if all girls have to ki-ai in a high-pitched manner.

i'm starting to ki-ai in a really different way from before, and i'm not liking nor disliking it, but i just dont really understand what was wrong with my previous ki-ai. because despite the ki-ai changing, my internal state of mind hasnt changed. the external change has been natural, but essentially i'm still the same [though i dont think it's a bad thing] which is really confusing, because sometimes i wonder if spending too much time mulling over such superficial things would help.

i mean, during shi-ai or keiko, if i want the point badly enough, i will naturally ki-ai in the manner that scores me an ippon with kikentai no ichi, right? why fret so much over these things? i dont think ki-ai should be something 'planned' or 'rehearsed'; like, oh, i decide the ki-ai must be sharp, and different, so i practice various sounds and see which get the effect...

it's just so....
confusing.

but i guess it's a change for the better, i suppose.




i dont know, really.
but as of now,
this is totally beyond me.