after 10 years of performing onstage, basking with others under the limelight,

i've had my small taste of being in the background; being invisible, being semi-there.
but it's not a bad feeling, i think.


i suppose anyone who has been trained to perform during lunch breaks in front of rowdy student crowds, performed on overseas on international television, had exposure from taking part in international competitions who agree;

it's a wonderful feeling.
to sing when someone's watching,
to dance when someone's looking.

the attention is amazing.


but sometimes i think,
what i really miss more,
is singing with my choir friends;
dancing with my fellow dancers;

i always think the best feeling is to sing like nobody's listening, and dance like nobody's watching.


which is why sometimes it sickens me to see people fighting to get a more prominent spot in the limelight. i suppose i've had my fair share of being a performer, and grabbing attention. these things pass, and then you realise, they're so insignificant and unimportant.


when im sorting keyboard keys,
or when im painting gradient on some cardboard,
or when cutting some stubborn 5-ply,
or when im grinding some aluminium bars, bits flying into my safety-goggles-protected eyes,
or when im screwing/nut-ing some 2 by 1 together

i look up and i see you guys.
its nothing much,

but a dozen times, maybe n times, where n is an integer ---> infinity would be more accurate, i've been down and out, frustrated, pissed, miffed, sleepy, tired, depressed, and wanted to just throw away what i was doing and just yell

I QUIT!

high level of difficulty, not-so-fantastic working conditions, low level of affirmation and recognition from others, low level of prestige, long working hours, high level of fatigue,

who wouldn't?

but i didnt.
and the same goes for the 17 of you, my friends, my co-workers, my chums, my crazy shit pals,



we bore and worked through all this nonsense, and here we are, 3 days away.

when i look at the performers,
full of excitement, all jittery, chattering loudly and relentlessly hiding behind the landscape pieces, be it during sets, when we were tekanned for not moving in props on time from stage right, or during rag, while i was/am hiding behind the huge piece of paper mache, plastic, wire mesh and aluminium bar,

sometimes i wish those of us behind would be treated better, would be respected more.
but things arent as i wish, and they cant be. at least not with people like them.

i think to myself and i understand.



because i know
at least this time,
what really matters is us. the 17 of us.

the 3 months of sweat, blood, and tears that we've given to rag, given to eusoff hall; given to each other. and during the process that we slugged it out, the amazing things we have created, made, screwed, cut, grinded, painted, stuck with our bare hands.




the next time a singaporean says i'm crazy for having had joined hall rag,

i ll just think to myself and smirk.


because non-raggers just don't understand.