sunshine talked to me today. it's quite a nice feeling, especially since it came when i least expected it. i'd have thought he'd be stuck in camp, but then again, on hindsight, ocs officers are more humane than i imagine.

he's the kindest peron i've ever known but not met, and the most inherently optimistic and good-natured person i know. it's difficult to be someone like that i think. forgiving, encouraging, cheerful and assured.

i'm having trouble living with this.
sometimes it's really difficult, because to me, confidence is scarcely discernable from stubborn pride, of which the former i lack, the latter i have in abundance.


it has to be like that, that some people have to be unlucky enough to see me in a time when i am at my true self, when i fail to meet people's expectations, when i disappoint others, when i am in a bout of weakness. and this frustration, this suddent solemness and silence, which is not unfamilar to me, shocks them. i guess it's because i've always been trying too hard to be happy, to be exaggerated, to laugh, to smile, to encourage, to joke around. life is difficult, so i guess it's always better if there's somebody to joke around and pretend to be happy, even if he isn't, so that the feeling isn't so awful, and things feel better and it's easier to go on. and it's become an integral part of my nature, which is rather conflicting with the other side of me, that is critical and harsh and cold...

and then, some people misunderstand.
or maybe i think that they misunderstand but they dont/didnt.
i'm not angry with any situation, or any person.

i just wish people understood that it's not easy to deal with this, at least not for me, and that all the frustration is directed internally, least it hurt or harm others, which is absurd, of course, because the cause of disappointment was my own ability, correspondingly, the result or target of the frustration has to be myself, and nobody else.

it's hard to smile and pretend it's ok when everything's not.
it's hard to keep emotions separate from everything else.
it's hard not to feel disappointed with yourself.



it's the hardest to forgive yourself, i think.

but like the dozens of other people who have talked to me,
as sunshine said,
'forgive yourself'

it's difficult but i'll try.