it's one of those days that make you feel lucky to be alive.

as i have previously said, i always get positively reinforced when i go to training.


kendo has been the best thing that has happened to me since i entered NUS, i daresay.
regardless of however people look at me, however crazy my parents think i am, how my father jokes about selling off my bogu [NO WAY], how people misunderstand kendo, how people think it's a rich man's sport, how people think it's insanity

today, when i looked at the clock for the first time during training, it was 7.30.
my face was covered with perspiration; my shoulder was sore. the shinai was starting to feel heavy, and my spirit was starting to waver. my cuts were disappointing, and i was failing.
maybe i wasnt really that horrible, but you know how critical i am of myself, and how scary it can be when wenhao is leading practice and when he says 'AGAIN!' i start to worry that i'll have nightmares about 1/2 hours worth of kirikaeshi in my head. alas.

but wenhao can be very encouraging as well. :)

i really didn't know what to say; what to do.
but it's a nice, warm feeling.

it's almost as good as the feeling i get when i first put on my dou before training.
nice, warm, assuring. that's the exact feeling.

maybe i am cowardly.
that i have to be covered in 8 kg worth of armour to feel confident, to feel assured.
even then, sometimes i falter and i grow small.
but, nothing beats this, really.

we're ending training later and later these days.
i wonder why. but i'm not disliking that. not at all. :)
i didn't bring my wallet today because i was intending to go after training straight to sets, but xian and shu persuaded me to eat with everyone. i miss that feeling. eating together after training, saying 'いただきます！' loudly as if we own the place and making a fool of ourselves... ah, this feeling, this feeling...
i don't know how it happened, but when i realised, it was like that already.
i didn't bring my wallet, so i was worrying about not having money to eat and about the bus fare, but at this point of time,
xian said,
'give me your hand'
and she dropped some coins into it.
i felt my nose sniffle a little, but i just smiled.
then sabah boy, li hong, shu... all of them dropped their spare change into my palm.
i felt my palm grow warm.

it's funny, cause the coins were cold.
but my heart was warm.


i dont think i'll ever forget all this.
not even after i leave school.
not even after i get married.
not even after i have children.
not even after i grow old.
well, maybe if i get Alzheimer's or dementia, but.

this feeling, this feeling, will stay, in my heart.
because, on the dojo,

ここだか、
心がいる。

今、そう思った。
---------------------------------------------------------

yesterday was my first real taste of dp sets after a long time.
it's a strangely familar feeling, gripping the circular saw, guiding the jigsaw along the lines drawn on the 3-ply, screwing in the 1 and 1/2 inch screws into the 2 by 1s.
the sound of the metal cutter, the smell and spurts of saw dust.

it's a bittersweet feeling.
but i can't lie.
i like it.
i like everyone from dp sets 06/07.
everyone from dp sets 07/08 looks likeable and affable as well.
it feels like it's going to be a good experience.

despite all the complaining, despite all the spats between my father and i, despite myself being sad at him being disappointed that i joined sets again, despite discouragement from people, telling me not to be silly and join sets again,

i did it.
しまった。

i admit it.
because i miss the feeling.
i miss the sweat, i miss the smiles, i miss the laughs, i miss being together with everyone.
i miss hadrian with his hippo face, i miss shaun's good-boy antics, i miss screwing the 2 by 1s under the table with hong jin till our arms got sore [somehow that didnt turn out right, haha] i miss firus and his attempts at cheering me up with his not-so-funny jokes, and his incredible architect-pants, i miss small boy, i miss talking to mr m, hell, i even miss wayne calling me 'red shorts!'

i know it won't be the same.
i wont be the first person holding a hammer whacking the sets after the performance is over [maybe i will be again, who knows? but...]
i wont be overcome with tears, firus wont be there to hug me, hadrian won't be there to criticise how slow i am and to say 'don't need lah!, far far cannot see one'....

because of all of this,
in spite all of this,

when wayne asked me,
'will you join sets again this year?'
i couldn't say no.
we've known each other, since, what, orientation?
we've been through so much together; spazzola, dp sets 0607, rag 0708, and now,
despite him admitting to me that he didn't like me the first time he saw me,
despite not having a good first impression of him,

it's like an unspoken promise.
i guess,
even before he asked.
my heart was set.


i must be crazy, really.
but i'm not disliking this, not at all. :)