it's really difficult to pretend to not be disappointed, when the reality hits you hard in the face.

just not clear enough,
fast enough,
strong enough,
good enough.

i guess im stupid or what, but it's a recent realisation that i think it's also a rather adifficult but honorable thing to do to be able to be happy for others when things are going well for them even if they aren't for you.

it's really difficult. it's like a weird churning feeling in my stomach.
my mouth wants to smile, and i raise my hand wanting to give a firm handshake and offer a sincere congratulations but some part of myself just wants to find a corner to cry and hide.

well, that's that.
i know things will be fine tomorrow when i return to the dojo; put on my bogu.
but for now,
i'm not ok.



he said,
use your brain to think, and your body to remember.
i said, to myself,
your wise words, i will not forget.