im having trouble understanding my pl3234 readings. worse still; the author happens to be my lecturer. goodness, luckily she's an approachable, bespectacled, young woman with an hong kong english accent.


anyway thats not relevant, cause im supposed to be studying for my 3 tests, writing my 2 assignments, handling my 2 porjects, or doing my n tutorials [where n is a max of 5, since i only take 5 modules, and luckily i havent had the case of doing late tutorials as of yet] instead of reading the readings since they wont be tested yet.

but oh well. i'm the kind of person who goes to the library to read graphic design and fashion illustration magazines the week and week before and the eve of exams; what do you expect?

it's the 2nd last day of the holidays, and officially i haven't done anything yet. fantastic, really.



i think i will start my ban on msn soon. it's taking too much of my time; more than it should anyway. im just bumming around, changing my msn nicknames, talking to random people about random things, being a relationship consultant... actually, to be honest, i enjoy talking to people. if i could make a living out of that, i dont see why i shouldn't. its just a pity its not a viable option for a REAL career. not in the real world, today. not now anyway.


i'd say lately studies wise i ve been kind of losing motivation, but there's been a kind of shift away from academic results-orientated goals in my life towards a more interpersonal direction... i'd say i've gained the trust of a couple of more people, made a few friends, became a holder of a few more secrets, listened to a few private problems. i like the feeling, of being entrusted with something intimate, some dear, something close to someone's heart. it makes me feel important.

at the same time i miss wife, because she's the only one who, besides my blood family, knows who i really am, even when i doubt myself; the only person who, accepts my weaknesses, my ails, my bad sides, wholesale, for no reason at all, unconditionally. i think school is stressing her out too much; too much for her own good.


i'm starting to think about not staying in eusoff next year.
i've always played with that thought, but never considered it really seriously.
but now maybe... my heart lies at home.

eusoff has given me a good number of fond memories, some [i believe] long-lasting friends, more half-baked friendships, sucky administration, and a fair share of bitter memories and tears. nevertheless, it was an experience. it IS an experience.
and it's absurd, but its been an entire year already, but i still can't get over the fact that eusoff rejected qp. and that, i believe, was the driving force behind her leaving. or perhaps, the spark factor.

maybe, if eusoff hadnt rejected her, if we had a chance to be roommates, to be there for each other, she wouldnt have had to cope with school by herself, and i wouldnt have ended up the way i am now, and that things would have been better because we would have each other and even if things were horrible we'd have each other to lean on at least.
she wouldnt have left, and i wouldnt be the way i am now, however cheerful and happy i seem.



for that,
i despise eusoff.

no matter what happens in the future. however fantastic this place may become.

i always wonder,
what would have happened if i rejected my place in eusoff,
and stayed at home instead?


maybe i'd be a happier person now.




but who knows?
maybe.