A bit of everything.

thats what i realised i am. just only.
neither here, nor there./
sometimes i honestly wished i had a bit of something. say, if i were more feminine.
or if i were more girlish. or if i were more cool. or more mature. or more c***./
then at least i wouldnt have to agonize or what to actually become. because i know that i look c***, want to be cool, am compelled to act feminine, feel obliged to be mature, not-so-secretly am a rebel, occasionally am girlish, and secretly desire to be a boy altogether.

now thats what i call a dilema.

but i kind of like it.
one day, i wear this funky fusion dress thing with a funky belt. it makes me look mature. and i get wolf whistles and remarks expressing surprise at my virgin attempt at dress wearing [ i wonder why, the dress is damn covered, and reaches my knees. frmph and i HAVE worn dresses before, loh. =P anyway, isnt a qi pao a dress? and i wear it almost everyday.] hui chiang says it looks like a taiwan high school uniform. thats cool, since i like uniforms. haha. cos uniforms are brainless, cos you dont need to think about what to wear. dummy proof. best for lazy freaks like me.

the next day, i wear this really work -mode pants and shirt with wollen vest and i look damn professional and also damn androgynous at the same time. i know my eyebrows are oozing withj masculinity so i like to play on that cos i think its damn sexy. haha. =P and it feels good to act-guy once in a while, the tough-guy-on-the-move-thing.

and yesterday, believe it or not, i got all high and giggly [urgh] wearing this pair of overall-dress with a white tank and a turtle necklace. haha. ok ok, i played on my c*** appeal. unbelieveable. haha. it felt good, besides the part when hui chiang said i looked c*** and david asked if i went for a kindergarten singing competition and xie fei rebutted him and supported me by saying it looked quite nice. he always puts in a good word for me, anyway. haha. well. =) everyone says he likes me but of course we re all kidding. and i told him hes too old for my liking cos i m an old cow who likes to nibble on nice young, green chewy grass. and hes not young enough. haha.
guys are just so unappealing. sigh.

i quite liked the way i looked. incredible, right? it must have been an overdose of say... kiwi fruits. i ve been eating too much of them lately. maybe i got high on them. kiwi fruits.

sometimes i just wish i could be totally c*** or totally cool or feminine.
but im not LAH. how sad.



digressing, i was wondering.
how come when a really good looking guy looks at you its called love at first sight, but when an old geezer chee koh pek does it its called leering.
haha. thats damn funny. no, not the guy, not the ckp [chee koh pek, in case you were wondering]
the thought, its damn funny.

anyway, come on, only infatuation at first sight exists.
but infatuation is kind of romantic anyway.
and damn hell, i do get infatuated rather easily. to my chagrin
thank goodness my realist outside always manages to control my classic romantic inside.

toshi sings
the moment that you caught my eye
i must admit that i was infat-uated
i knew that i was gonna make you my lady.
you re in my thoughts
you re in my heart
i know that its love, [ me : come on, its infatuation]
can prove, [breaking through]
we gonna make them see
you and me
we go together
love feels so better
since we re together
it feels so better
since we re together

its a lot easier to get at me if you made it obvious. damn, i hate it the way i am when i know somebody likes me.
then im not even sure whether i originally liked the person in the first place. did i like him because i honestly did, or did i start liking him because he liked me? thats really puzzling. i think its a self protection mechanism to ensure that i ll get married off even in the worst circumstances cos it ll make me less picky about my other half since i end up liking perpetually every single person who liked me first.

i need to get a grip on my hormones. bollocks.
any minute feelings of attraction must be crushed like a deadly-hit-n-times-where-n-nearing-infinity-still-never-die-so-easily cockroach.
since i know its infatuation, why let it happen?

digressing even further, believe it or not, cockroaches have existed since the dinos. thats darn incredible, considering that the dinos didnt survive the ice age, but roaches did. and they re thriving now. still. continually annoying us.
just wjhat do they have that we dont. i really wonder.
urgh. i wouldnt want to be a roach.

ps. i get damn sad if i get infatuated with someone whos not extremely good looking.
i thought looks was a prerequisite for infatuation. damn.
i always end up being anomalous. damn.