i get really annoyed when all the hard work i put into being a nice neutral person gets washed down the drain just by a remark made without using my brain to process

if only my brain worked like etch a sketch. that would be nice. i always wanted an etch a sketch board when i was very small. all the other kids wanted it and all of their parents relented and bought them one. but when i looked with longing eyes at the etch a sketch board, then shifted my focus to my dad, my dad took no notice at all... u probably think, just ask him la.

But no. im not the type of kid to ask my dad for something. and i always prided myself on that... cos i felt that if he couldnt tell that i wanted it that much, then i probably didnt deserve it.

maybe i dont deserve to be called nice and friendly? cos i can snap sometimes and get really really nasty. maybe i should just quit this... very tired leiz. xian la. have to put up a mask and crap. really good crap, damn it.

dad never understood what i really secretly wished for, and i spent the rest of my damn childhood regreting that i never opened my mouth and asked him for it. until i got older, i sort of felt that the move was a little silly, a little naive, and a little... a little understanding also.
thats who i was as a kid.

fed fishy too much this morning. maybe i ll let him go on a diet and feed him once a day only. den he wun haf to poo so much and i wun have to clear his poo so much either. and what makes me think he's a guy? cos... he feels like one. if i had a dog, i d probably have a male dog too. surely. hahha

and i still havent thought of a name for fishy yet. thinking la. any bright suggestions?

went to pasir ris to send my sis off to stay wif my aunt till my parents come back from vietnam (actually they havent left yet haha so technically not on holiday yet)
it was a long bus ride and i was filling up addresses on envelopes of xmas cards and reading my old autograph book... and reading qiu hans pseudo cai zhi heng entry (lol if u read online chinese novels u shuld noe what im talking abt) :) silly girl called me during practice to ask me what present i wanted for xmas

all i want for christmas is you...:)

back to the bus trip
and anutie :) actually she has no blood relationship to me or wz but shes been our babysitter since we were wee little kids so she feels like a second mother to me :)

and her daughter who is like a older sister to me is also so nice to us..
her dog, kelly, is really cute. :) lolx. she always looks at me with pleading eyes cos she wants me to sayang her and bring her out for gai gai :) and i was so pleasantly surprised cos she actually remembered me (dogs can only rmbr arnd 4o pple? and if they keep seeing new ones they forget old ones they havent seen for ages) im so glad she remembered me...

we ate at swensons. actually personally, swensons has so many beautiful and happy memories...
like eating there with auntie and her daughter, like eating the free earthquake with ck, like eating some fudge thingy with rambutan and princess...
in fact this year, i ve frequented that place so much and before that i rarely ever have stepped into a single outlet at all

sometimes i wish i could be a kid altogether again
adults just dun get it sometimes
its not the expensive stuff or what, like auntie said must treat us to swensons but i didnt even care what i was eating la, as long as i had the chance to eat with her... cos its not the food but the company that matters... i d rather eat instant noodles at her hse so i can spend more time talking to her... :'(
i owe one third of my wonderful childhood memories to her...

and

the thing about presents. adults would always be like, here something, small token of appreciation and blabla stuff then the other would say, no no i cant take it
den the push and push would begin. i push to u la, u push to me

i remember when i was a kid, if someone gave me a sweet, i would simply accept it and be grateful to the person for as long as i could remember
how things complicate as u grow older.
or maybe we complicate them ourselves.

i think back when i first met you
now it realise its because you were my dream...