good morning. damn. the coffee tea contoction that o made yesterday at our holding room is having adverse effects on me...

i couldnt sleep all night even thought i reached home fairly early and bathed and did stuff rather quickly... -_- a lot of things on my mind la. i was sure the insomnia was caused by me pondering too much but den again, i suddenly realised,for like the nth time, where n approaches infinity, that it was because, DAMN!!! i drank coffee.

just a sip can kill me. and i died a slow and tortuorous death.

well at least there are better things to think after i die, i hope.

yesterday we were bad, or should i say sops were bad or should i say
more like I was BAD, really really really bad.

how could i put up a smiley face and pretend its okay that there were split notes all over and that we were pertpetually flat all the time and worst of all the only time we werent flat, we were totally off key for away in a manger... crap. how can i smile and pretend its okay? that everything will be fine and that shangrila hotel will still want to engage my soon to be juniors in the december of the approaching year? how could i do it? i simply could not. it was my fault, and i deserved it, deserved the blame, the burden of the guilt above everything else...

and when ash looked like she was going to break down i totally freaked out
silly ben and alan T_T it was never ash's fault, if there WERE split notes, if we sang wrongly... she has good pitching, good support bla, she shouldnt deserve the crap blame and stuff. bastard. im not saying ben and alan are bastards, but what they did was totally inappropriate

and i think im slowly losing the joy of performing. crap. like i ever enjoyed it much. it was pretty much fake la, but even now, im losing the fake part of it

well time to pick up the shattered pieces and put them in a bag and continue my way

we ll do better. i ll do better. i keep telling myself

enough of this...

yesterday yi tuan was weirdly quiet. :) he can be quite jovial at times, once you get to know him and he always act cute one diaox. :) haha. wonder whats on his mind.
thomas looked very tired also, and ash... T_T girl its not ur fault u did everything you could to save it...

on my way home from bk (yes again) i took 105 and at some stop this guy who looked slightly older than me sat down next to me to my horror/surprise/amusement/shock
this doesnt occur frequently maybe because even though im nice and take the window seat i always have this extremely xiong and tao looking face like pple owe me lots of money and that will scare the living daylights out of anyone
unless im looking out the window and caught off guard... which is seldom the case...

but thats what happened.
den i started freaking out. he sat so near to me i was like damn scared if he were a pervert or what and i was like wondering what to do if he tried to do anything to get closer to me
den he closed his eyes and slept. i was like, DAMN what if i get off earlier than him and he tries to do sth to me when i get off

but he turned out to be a normal dude who was just really tired and needed some sleep. And i accidentally stepped on his toes when he was giving way to left me get off. :P poor guy. can imagine i was like feeling relieved and stupid at the same time.

i never realised that the first person who would really make me feel like a girl would be a guy i didnt even know. freaky. no matter what, the truth is, i am still a girl and nothing changes that.

can slack around a bit later cos going to j8 to buy mr angs prezzie with stan :D
havent seen stan in a long time, wondering how much hes changed...

im glad that i smsed him to ask how hes been doing and if he wants to come to the farewell...
even if im not that close to him, but we can become close friends i think
close friends are not BORN naturally or what, they re made... qiu han and me didnt like click the first time we met or what, instead it was the sort of long time being together, sticking together, that earned us the mo4 qi4 we have today...

stan needs a friend i need one too :D

im wondering what to get...hmm. no money to eat lunch le or dinner den. dun feel like eating breakfast dese few days, my stomach getting lazy

im feeling so bad because i forgot to feel eddie yesterday and he looked like he was starving when i came out from the bath and stared at him through the walls of his cosy fish tank home
sorry eddie T_T

now i understand why those stupid shaking electric plants and flowers sell so well.

ending with sth i tot of yesterday nite as i tossed and turned, lying awake on my bed

if i am beautiful it is only because you said i was ugly
if i am smart it is only because you said i was stupid
if i am strong it is only because you said i was weak
if i learn to love myself it is only because you did not love me
how can a heart be broken if it is made of steel? it can only be bent.

off to wander around till ten to iron my skirt and prepare stuff b4 meeting leeley :D