I think since I was born, the biggest kind of frustration I ever commonly encountered was with finding (a) suitable travelling companion(s).

perhaps I have been too irresponsible, or rather, my parents have given me too much free rein?

perhaps it's because I was born a splitting image of my father, the carefree traveller;

I go wherever I please, however I please, with whomever I please.

(though safety is of course top of mind).

Granted not everyone is a carefree spirit, or the kind of perhaps even impulsive traveller I am-

there are people who have certain needs; just won't sleep in anything less than a decent hotel, would want to eat good food, don't really like to travel off the beaten track or take the path less travelled, have concerns with safety of the local area, can't bear to part with their money for travel; the list is endless.

yet still relentlessly, at every single opportunity possible, I hope, I persuade, I cajole, I grin, I bear.

it's just sometimes, the disappointment and frustration at finding a lack of a bold and daring (and free) travel companion is simply overwhelming.

everyone just always has something/someone to answer to:

their boss for work, their parents for safety, their committee for projects, their professor for the dissertation; 

I know I have it all good, or at least people think I do,  

and that not everyone has parents or a job like mine,

but still,

I hope. 

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I don't know how to tell you this without sounding like an unreasonable and wilful twat.

The thing is,
since I was born,

I never had to answer or obey to anyone else than my parents,
and they aren't particularly conservative or traditional (much to my relief).
Perhaps in some aspects they are rather old school and authoritative, but never to the point of being authoritarian or controlling. I think they tried, when I was younger, but with my personality, I think our dynamic evolved as it became something more easy and natural, particularly during the phase when I finished schooling and I ended working.

Maybe it's my kind of free-spirited, open-minded, daring personality?
I know my mother always thought i was/am a wilful child.
But they gave me the kind of freedom and space,
that some people don't get, and i'm grateful.


When we first were together,
though I knew getting accustomed and compromising to a different kind of family dynamic would be difficult, i never anticipated it would cause that kind of conflict and sadness in me.
Though i understand the benefits and the rationale behind a different kind of family dynamic, and appreciate a family structure that is large, extended, with a more traditional and conventional kind of dynamic and relationship between elders and the younger family members, it was very difficult for me to become part of it;  kind a form of invisible pressure- because it's just not what i grew up in, or was used to.

I don't know if you know what I mean, or what I'm trying to say,
but sometimes when decisions are made, it takes some time for me to accept them,
and sometimes I need time to accept the disappointment, or to rationalize with myself.

It's not your fault, nor mine,
everyone's family is wonderful.

I just need more time.