N asked me what matters to me since i kept saying 'it doesn't matter' the whole time we were out and talking about random things, and i realised it's a bit of a habit i picked up when i was in Jogja, while talking to Anaconda and Anton, when they always talked about stuff, and asked me if i felt comfortable, needed an extra blanket, was ok with eating this, going there etc. i would always shake my head quickly and smile and wave my hand dismissively and say

'tidak penting, tidak penting', which is basically 'not important'.

i also vividly remember this conversation i had with Anaconda, about his a girl who liked him and he used to be with, he said he dumped her, basically because she didn't like his being in a band, didn't like him going out, etc, and always restricted his freedom, and thus, she got the sack. Single or attached, girlfriend or not, it did not make much of a difference to him. And as he was saying this, i was nodding and saying, 'ya, tidak penting'...

but/and so, back to the topic,

what's really important/what matters?

marriage, love, a career, money, sure, all these things, they matter, some way or another-

i wouldn't deny that i once envisioned having all the standard things most people would consider as necessary landmarks in your life; having a boyfriend, getting married, getting a good job, getting promoted and having a pay rise, having children, bringing your children up, settling well into old age etc.

it's just that....

i do feel some things cannot be forced-

if things would happen, things can be achieved, then the would be,

if not then why go out of your way to force them?

there are other things that matter more (in comparison),

the freedom to do the things you want,

the freedom to love whoever you want,

the freedom to go wherever you want,

the freedom to live however you want (to)

that's what's important/what really matters.

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maybe i'm not ready, to reconnect.

maybe i don't want, to reconnect.

all i know is,

this is not important.

so, goodbye.

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