woke up to an email from our conjoint guy emailing our stats guy asking him to clarify if there's some major screw up and there were 30 respondents (ohmygod) who saw the head-head profile twice-

bottom line: not a fantastic way to start the morning but it got me very awake and sober despite wanting to go back to bed initially nevertheless.

despite all this and the potential screwups amazingly i have managed to survive half a year of this work without any major freaking out during work, nor have i been reprimanded, fired, etc.

i just de-stress with brushing my teeth more often(after i eat), and working faster when there is more work/there are problems.

and i actually quite enjoy checking my work email from home now during non-work hours-

does that mean i am slowly (but surely) becoming one of those workaholic drones/zombies that populate the Singapore public transport during the rush hours? ohgodno.

but great, really.

this isn't anything i can solve nor is it my fault, (objectively)

but i am/we are so screwed, seriously.

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it is really not my day, seriously.

a hug or some comforting would be nice but it would not, of course, solve the problem.

actually i rather it be that i was the problem-

i hate the sense of helplessness stemming from knowing that the problem is extrinsic and therefore you are absolutely unable to do anything to salvage the situation.

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sometimes when things/people get too perfect/good for me i start to find myself feeling a little fearful or insecure-

then i start to pick at the smallest of things, things i don't like (for logical reason), things i can't stand (for nothing in particular)

nobody/nothing is perfect,

and like anybody else i am an imperfect person,

and i am very aware of that.

just, maybe i am incapable or loving another person as imperfect as i am?

or perhaps it is the fear that i would (possibly) become so irreversibly in love and dependent on another imperfect person, that i become even more imperfect than i already am?

seeing friends' unfortunate examples, hearing of other familiar tales;

becoming needy, dependent, in wanting,

(the thought) it scares me,

more than loneliness,

more than solitude,

and i do not want to become anything like that.

i want to be aloof, random and cool,

(like a cat, like a cat)

like, forever.

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my hair (and skin) is back to being soft and fuss-free!

it scared me a little when i didn't bring gloves to London and my skins started cracking and really hurting quite a lot on the third day, and my hair getting all dry and tangled and messy,

but i am back,

and my hair is back to being no-maintenance once again.

(cracks on my knuckles, unfortunately, have stayed)

no combing, no conditioner, no care needed.

i can wake up and just change my clothes and put on eyeliner and go to work

(and my hair will already be in place, looks wonderful, look awesome)

i will say it once and the last time ever,

i am feeling fortunate that i live in Singapore (because it is warm and humid)

and because i have awesome hair.