i know it's not the end of the world- and that i have many strengths and advantages and priviledges that others do not have/own, but still i cannot help but feel a small sense of disappointment when the effort i put it did not equate to clearly good enough results.

It's always when something comes to an end, that i look back, and i wonder-

did i work hard enough? That maybe there was more that i could do, further that i could push-

there is always this small sense of doubt nagging at the back of my head...

Truth be told, i do like studying. I really quite enjoy it- enjoy classes, enjoy learning things, enjoy intellectual discussions. The feeling of electric impulses being transmitted through the nodes in my brain/body, and the dendrites spreading their reach, connecting and spanning a larger and larger area as knowledge fills me. Pity i just don't seem to do very well at it, whatever the reason(s). Perhaps i am not doing something i truly love? I dont adopt a 'i must be the best and always get A' attitude? I am too easily distracted (by shiny objects? J once said so), i don't have enough drive and motivation? the possible reasons are countless.

i've always wondered if i'd ever be able to attain that level of concentration and effort when striving for academic excellence- to the point of forgetting to eating, sleeping less, ignoring all other things etc. full-fledged concentration. Of course maybe that's just nonsense some people think- as humans we are differ; the way we talk, think, eat, sleep, interact, and of course, study.

On hindsight, the only time(s) i ever remember doing something to the point of forgoing everything else, and forgetting the time, was when i was drawing.

Driven by a force that seemed to be external of me- compelled by this bizarre feeling, i would sit in the same position and my hand would move on the paper for hours- i'd forget/fail to bathe, to eat, to respond to anyone to called me,

but i'd be consumed by this indescribable sense of happiness-

not paramount to anything else i've experienced.

well, no point dwelling in the past- though bittersweet, my life has a student, for almost two decades, has come to an end (at least for now), and it's time to look on to the future with more drive and determination, and also an open mind.

they say that it's never to late to change; your house, your car, your career, your major, your life,

yes,

it's never too late.