it's not intentional really but sometimes i feel sucked into it-

like people telling me a lot of things, about themselves, about their lives, about their troubles

not that i mind it at all; i kind of like listening to them/it, i don't know why, really.

it's just that i don't really like to ask- it's only if they spontaneously say it.

sometimes i feel frustrated, but the line drawn on friendship,

when people give you the tip of the carrot,

and you're just holding on receptively,

then suddenly they pull it back- change the topic, suggest something else, say it doesn't matter.

on the other hand,

i can totally understand the conflict/ambivalence of deciding on disclosure.

in a relationship, shared activities, time spent, common interests, particularly personal disclosure and shared promises, secrets are hallmarks of change. understandably, disclosure comes only with a certain amount of accumulated time and mutual trust/respect earned-

sometimes, you think it's the right time, you think it's the right person-

you can talk to, can share your troubles with

but at the last minute you bail out-

[or maybe you realise it was never the right person anyway]

it's really easy that way.

on the other hand,

it's just really frustrating.

if you didn't want to talk about something,

why start the conversation and cut it off halfway?

i never do that. start a conversation about me, about my troubles, about my concerns,

and then halfway when the person is trying to listen, give advice, be nice-
just suggest to change the topic, leave the room, go to sleep, do something else.

it is unbelievably excruciating/infuriating.

sometimes i don't understand why people talk to me in the first place.

do you want someone to listen to you?

are you looking for advice/solutions?

what do you want, really?

if you don't trust me,

how can we be [real] friends?

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sometimes, in the quiet hours between the darkness and the morning,

in between lonely spaces and vacant times-

it's when i feel and think so clearly,

think so much better.

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there are things i tell nobody about-

thoughts that preoccupy my mind that nobody knows,

and somehow,

[perhaps sadly],

i intend to keep it that way.