sometimes you really just don't realise that some things shake/affect you that much still [even after such a long time]. it's like for the first time, when you see/feel that there's something you really want like nothing that you ever wanted before [because you don't know what love or like is or what is the difference? sometimes it just feels like you're too young to understand], it hurts you so bad when you know that it will never really ever belong to you; you hate yourself for wanting it so badly and you wish you could hate it for making you want it so bad but you just can't bear to hate it- so you just accept it/things?/reality/fate/the way things are. it takes a little time time for life to get back to normal, for the longing to die down, for the memories to fade, for the hurt to diminish

like the blueblacks on your kneecap, like the pimples on your nose,

you thought you just needed a little time-

some time away from everything

but when unexpectedly when it hits you again,

when life presents you with those situations/cues,

it's like WHAM-BAM!

you're flat on the ground,

with your heart ripped wide open,

and everything comes flooding back,

and sometimes you wonder if you/things will ever get better after that.

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i don't know if it's that i'm really oblivious to my surroundings, that i've been having my share of bimbo moments [thanks to well-spent time with thambie =)], or that im plain dumb,

but it always has to be that i don't see it at all and i'm totally fine and in my element-

until someone casually tells me that it's there and then WHAMBAM

i try to look elsewhere but i'm stupidly affected already.

what's my problem really?

i need to get a grip on myself.

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it's for the last time already-

different management, different planning, different venue, different people

people are always complaining about things being different from the past, but i don't necessarily see it as a bad thing- despite how many things have turned out/screwed up

despite the complaints, despite the misgivings-

cause somehow things didn't turn up as screwed up as i thought they would be,

and i know i gave/will be giving it my all, so that's what matters anyway.

having been both in the limelight and part of the ones behind it,

a last time, a last chance, a last sweet serenade,

i will always think fondly of the first time i cried destroying the sets that we so painstakingly made; the first time we [and the first time in eusoff history for eusoff DP sets, we suspect] that received letters of commendations with compliments handwritten by master [though we suspect it might be rashidah's handwriting], the first time [in a long time] i danced on such a fantastic stage,

and the last time i am doing this in my life ever.

we can always come back to watch but the view will never be the same; there's always the option of dancing with the alumni but it's really just not ever the same either.

having done/seen 4 years of all this-

there is nothing fantastic about this year really-

no dance that makes my heart move as much as aiting's dance last year, or june's dance when i was year 1; a large pool of inexperienced first-time dancers; a rather unextraordinary plot/storyline, [sometimes] cocked up music and lighting [that will be fixed in time i hope], and sets that is nothing majestic [not that i'm biased but objectively speaking that's the opinion i've gathered from quite a few- and from comparing past years-]

despite all these things

maybe because of these things-

i will miss DP like crazy.