it wasn't even a date, and we aren't even interested in each other-

but i couldn't help notice how people kept giving us over-the-shoulder glances and those envious/jealous looks; maybe we look like an attractive couple? i wouldn't know- considering i feel hardly attractive- but admittedly i am rather relieved/pleased/happy that even though i wore my incredibly-high-somewhat-intimidating criss cross wedges, we were only just almost eye-to-eye, me still being shorter- [when most of the guys are already the same height or shorter], and the whole time out just felt quite relaxed/cool, and even the small pauses and quiet moments in between were comfortable moments that i didn't feel like i needed to consciously keep thinking of what to say. maybe it was because we'd know each other quite a long time, and seen each other in the cui-est of moments, shared similar experiences and views regarding things, and as a result, kind of built up/forged a comfortable dynamic; and small nice things happened along the way; like him holding the door for me, waiting for me to go first [though i really don't think there's a need for it-], him/me accompanying him/me shopping, blah blah. and we were at the bread counter, i was paying and by the time the cashier gave me my change and i put it in my wallet and turned to face him he was already holding the stuff for me and he continued carrying it for the rest of the night [and strangely i didn't decline, or insist on holding it myself, which isn't really me].

come to think of it, it would almost be a really good example of what i'd consider an ideal date.

yes, i know he doesn't like me, and neither do i like him [not in that way at least]

but somehow it all felt very nice.

maybe that's what real guys are supposed to be like?

but i don't know, really.

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sometimes in life all you've trying to do is to find someone that's the right fit for you-

it's like an enzyme and substrate;

everyone has different geometric shapes and fits,

but there's only ever one substrate that's the right fit/shape for/with you-

i do have great admiration and respect for gestalt therapy,

but the notion that people can complete and are whole, on their own-

sometimes i really doubt if i could ever be like that.

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i know i said i wouldn't watch skins again because the fucking killed freddie for no good reason [with no reasonable/coherent plot twist whatsoever] but here i am watching it again

everytime i watch this i'm reminded of how mopey and useless and really small i/my problems are and how life is really much beyond this stupid university/hall/grades/school life and how real people with real kind of problems live outside there; maybe not here, but they're out there.

and sometimes i wonder if i wake up from this angsty teen drama and i'll change channels and become some character from some stupid happy chirpy educational teevee channel instead