because i don't know how to reply you? and just because i'm sick and feeling weak and all mopey doesn't mean i give in and i just answer; if i try to i think i will answer in a way that may not actually be what i am thinking [whatever i am thinking, dunno], so i choose not to answer you, since you're probably not expecting reply, which means my lack of reply isn't really rude right?

it was nice seeing me for you, or so you say, but really it wasn't nice for me-

not at all..... not when all a part of me wanted to do was to dig a hole and dive into it

there are other people who can do other things to make you happy

there are other existences that can and should matter more

so why do you need to see me? does it really matter?

i'm alive, you're alive, we're all alive,

that's good to know, right?

why why why why why why??????

i'm really happy that/if you're happy but i can't help it if sometimes i don't do things that make you happy because it somehow makes me sad?

but sometimes

i just don't know what/how to do

so i don't do anything,

and ignore everything.

and sadly though i wish i knew

but i realised i still have no clue what you're thinking

what is it really? am i supposed to reply?

but of course all of this is no longer what i think about

but of course all of this is no longer what i should think about

---------------------------------------------------------

how can you take about controlled use when you're already addicted?

some substance abusers dream of having controlled use as their ultimate treatment goal and though i do empathize with their aim it's really all too rosy- if just being exposed to something makes you act in an uncontrollable way, then you should just remove it from your life completely

abstinence is the key.

however difficult, however sad it may be

----------------------------------------------------------

‘有时我只是想活在一个没有你的地方-

即使没能看到你，

总是还是知道你应该是过的很好-

因为你就是这样的一个人-

不属于任何人，不拘束，不受人摆布，不为别人而活

可是我却不一样-

我没能像你潇洒-

没办法控制一些东西-

即使时间过多久，回忆累积多少，

伤心的感觉仿佛还是知道

就是没办法-

因为我就是这样-

如果[我]让你难过，

那就原谅我的自私，如果你可以的话

因为活在一个没有我的地方-

即使我没过的很好，

你不需要知道

因为活在一个没有你的地方-

只要知道你很好，

也许看不到，

有些东西还是不知道比较好’