grading.

all i can say is,

i haven't trained much this semester, but i went there, did my best,

and speaking objectively, apart from all other factors,

and am happy with my/the grade.

i would say that jesse senpai predicted well,

and both nono and i did rather well/okay.

i even got complimented by wenhao,

which is an honor [to me],

though it was a ki-ai compliment.

and unlike some others, who attribute their success at last-minute study attempts/flukes to their god/gods protecting them or a shot of good luck supporting them,

i had/have no god to pray to,

[and i dont believe or need one, thank you,]

and not much good luck on my side.

[at least not these days]

i just maintained a clear mind and performed at standard and obtained the grade.

though i may have lacked training for this semester, i believe my performance/the performance itself at grading was definitely worthy of the grade.

i would love to be excited and really proud of it, but it's hard to be that way, because there are a multitude of factors affecting how i feel [rationally and emotionally] about grading in general, the grades obtained by various people, and how the grades were allocated.

i guess it's complicated, because from a long time ago, since i was new in kendo, grading was something that i did not know how to approach/expectation/what kind of mentality to have towards. clearly i was not and did not believe i was someone as good as wenhao senpai to be able to jump from 5th kyu to 1st kyu in 1 single grading [and he really deserved the grade];

sometimes i even worried if i would fail if i got paired up with a motodachi who could not give me correct and comfortable ma-ai;

other times i seriously feel like i dont understand/know what the panel/shinpan are thinking, because from my point of view, i find that after so long i am still rather ambivalent about the concept of grading itself and putting a label, i.e. n kyu to a person's capability/worth in kendo.

and, evident to me, so cleanly,

some people's standard in kendo is really not justified by their current grade.

likewise,

a person's grade may not be justified by his/her normal standard/performance in kendo.

how can x and y have the same grade? how can w jump n grades [when clearly w is no where as outstanding/good as wenhao senpai; i.e. not so outstanding amongst the grading group, which is the criteria in order to jump grades]

it doesn't help that people say,

'oh you should have graded that time; lots of people were 'bumped up''

or

'oh you should just go for grading, don't miss it, should grade consistently';

and i wonder,

'if i had graded during that time would i have been bumped up?',

'if i had not missed those gradings due to being overseas/busy/worried about not being able to pass, would i have a better standing now?'

where would i be now, really?

really sometimes i wonder.

but not that it matters really.

i know the 'ultimate aim', ideally, is to achieve shodan before graduation, so i can join the shodan seniors to come back to nus and help train the juniors, but at the current moment there are other pressing matters, like my CAP and possible job outcomes for example; i can't say for sure kendo will be a priority in future.

and i figured there is no way of resolving the 'grade may not be justified by worth' issue so the best way to treat it is to gently push it aside, because i have fulfilled my promise to peter sensei; for all the things he has taught me/us and for the wonderful sensei he has been i have tried to keep to the 'shodan ultimate aim'. whether i achieve it in future/near future will be another matter but the fact that i am working towards it [when before i was ambivalent] already marks a change.

these things aside,

it's time to really accept the mindset of training for myself,

as selfish as it seems;

because club matters, like encouraging people to go for grading, going for training consistently to set a good example, ensuring that events and matters run smoothly, or performing at competitions/shi-ais are

really no longer of my concern/not for my worrying anymore.

should just take a nice break,

and return to the start;

when i was fresh and brimming with hope,

free from politics/pressure/the burden of extra duties,

when all i thought was,

not to get medals, not to win others; not for sensei, not for the club;

purely, simply, just for myself;

'i want to become strong'.