i kind of miss J.

actually we never talked much when he was still here,

[besides wanting to burn eusoff hall down and how crappy hall office and JCRC were, or so he said] even though we never had a proper end-off when the conversation drifted to kendo, or to me doing rag [again], and sets, or whatever.

but it's at times like this i wish he was there, 

like even if he does treat me like a kid sometimes,

i know he would listen, and at least try to bother 

even if he really didn't give a shit about my view point,

even if he didn't really understand what i was trying to get at,

cause i know he wouldn't just brush me off like that, and insist something else.

wayne tried talking to me about it [the irony of things, we never talk in real life, much]

but in my mind i was wondering all the time whether he really understood 

what it meant to me and how i felt hurt and misunderstood

and soohf told me esther was alarmed when i was sniffing

because she said she thought that i was crying

i really couldn't bear to tell her

i think i was but i didn't dare 

cause everyone was there

so i swallowed it up

just a very small

tear.

i really, really hate being treating like a kid.

i don't think i exhibit behaviour that is child-like.

if anything, my pride can be my worst attribute,

because if we talk and i speak to you rationally, and logically,

in a nice, and reasonable manner, but you just cannot seem to understand

and go off and make your own conclusion and totally interpret me in another way,

it's really awful.

what's more,

you put me in a bad light

for all and sundry to see, to read

when in the beginning, from the start

it was you who didnt get it, couldnt get it,

picked up the fight.

it can be as small as a fly

but if i know i have done no wrong

and even if everyone thinks it's stupid

and childish and other people put me in a bad light

and it seems as if i'm the one who picked up the fight 

[when i really was not :(]

so be it.

and then apologising

that is really 

not sincere

if you don't mean it

if you don't even make effort

to try to understand me, and what i said

and where i was coming from,

then why bother?

apologising just because you think it might just be a shortcut

'sorry' and everything's over, even if you really still dont get my situation

and then we can 'ha-ha' and continue our lives as if nothing really happened

doesn't work for me.

it's not solving the problem.

what's worse is someone else commenting,

giving some casual remark implying that it's childish

and that we're wasting our youth.

i really...

and coming from you, of all

as unintentional as it sounded/was

it totally just felt like a punch in my stomach

[a slap right on my face right where i needed it to be]

that was all i needed to wake up from my daze.

sorry to bring such matters to disturb your peace then.

the world can be a little cruel sometimes.

let me accept it.

my stand remains;

i am clear,

i am rational

i am reasonable

and if i were to be misunderstood and trivialized,

let me be.