for some odd reason [maybe not so foreign to me], the memory of me sitting at my classroom desk during psle flashed in my head today after grading as i left the changi dojo.

it's the same feeling essentially.
i always ask myself, would things have been different if i had brought a protractor and managed to measure the bloody angle in the triangle? yes, we can measure it using the length of the sides but goodness sake i was a primary school student and didn't know better. it said 'measure the angle' and i freaked out because i didnt bring my protractor.


i keep asking myself if i was/am ready for grading.
and now i keep asking myself,
if i didn't get such a bad motodachi, would things have been different?

after we finished our practice i felt this intense feeling of disgust, incompetence, unaccomplishment. i totally did not do justice to myself; totally did not live up to the standard i have been at/working towards.

and when she turned around and said sorry for being a bad motodachi,
what could i say?
smile and say it's okay.

that i paid 40 freaking dollars to disappoint myself and make a fool of myself in front of the senseis.

i cannot conceal my disappointment.



was i a bad motodachi? i ask myself and answer honestly and think not so.
am i pushing the blame of the results [whatever it may be as i dont know yet] to someone else? externally attributing my failure, or my lack of success to this external factor which is beyond my reach, beyond my control?

peharps i am.
but when she started doing the motodachi part for kirikaeshi,





i thought,
bollocks, this is it.


i always talk about beauty in regret,
but to hell with that,
there's no beauty in this.

there goes a fantastic start to my 24/7 rag week.
hello rag, hello kendo, bye bye life.

you cannot believe how much fun i am having doing rag.







it almost doesn't feel real.

well, that's before sewing starts.

it's really old school,

but there's just something warm and fuzzy and charming about this song.

'Is rag your number 1 priority? If not, what is stopping you?'








'Rag has only 1 beginning and no end.'

okay, so i keep thinking to myself,
she's got to be japanese,
who else can pull off such a hairstyle?



...
...
right?

anyway,
so my latest online shopping obsession has changed from bags --> blouses ---> shorts ---> dresses ---> accessories now.
really dig the accessories here.

i keep telling myself that my spending is validated because inflation is so bad nowadays anyway.
if i don't spend,
who else will drive the economy?

i just realised that if i publish this post, it will spoil my nice 555 post count.





*thinks*
bor chup.


so as of late,i have been racking my brains playing with recycled materials, head buried in pictures of dresses made of plastic bottles, cans, blowdryers, coffeemakers, plastic bags, and whathaveyous. my hands have been stroking sewing machines, needles, thread, buttons, hooks.

sometimes it's 1am and i suddenly sit up from what i'm extremely immersely in, and think to myself; what the hell am i doing here?

who am i trying to deceive? i don't like this at all.
it's not that sewing is hard, or it sucks, or that the choreos are giving us a hard time [not yet at least] or my wardrobers are horrible [not at all] or i keep posing a threat to rag by breaking needles and depleting the rag fund.

i love fashion, i love design, i love the idea of working with fabrics and materials, pretty things, and sewing is fun. but i just despise this. i don't know what i'm doing sitting butt still in the airconditioned room, sewing machine infront of me.
i should be outside, in the heat, in the sawdust, in the metal residue, in the dirt, with everyone else.

my hands; they should be gripping a borsh electric screwdriver, or drilling a hole, or guiding a electric jigsaw or holding on to a metal grinder as i cut a metal bar.
my forehead should be dripping with sweat, my muscles aching, my eyes burning, my heart thumping.





i dont know what i'm doing anymore.
i miss engineering.


to you, yes you, you know who you are,
take it easy, okay dude?
if things don't turn out okay, don't worry... i think we all understand.

i really regret it. when i wasn't able to be a friend for you, when you needed friends the most, and now that you're around, i'm glad i'm able to make it up, and i just wish that things would be okay, and...




i just hope the best for you.

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,
You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

things will be alright,
things will be fine.