for some odd reason [maybe not so foreign to me], the memory of me sitting at my classroom desk during psle flashed in my head today after grading as i left the changi dojo.

it's the same feeling essentially.
i always ask myself, would things have been different if i had brought a protractor and managed to measure the bloody angle in the triangle? yes, we can measure it using the length of the sides but goodness sake i was a primary school student and didn't know better. it said 'measure the angle' and i freaked out because i didnt bring my protractor.


i keep asking myself if i was/am ready for grading.
and now i keep asking myself,
if i didn't get such a bad motodachi, would things have been different?

after we finished our practice i felt this intense feeling of disgust, incompetence, unaccomplishment. i totally did not do justice to myself; totally did not live up to the standard i have been at/working towards.

and when she turned around and said sorry for being a bad motodachi,
what could i say?
smile and say it's okay.

that i paid 40 freaking dollars to disappoint myself and make a fool of myself in front of the senseis.

i cannot conceal my disappointment.



was i a bad motodachi? i ask myself and answer honestly and think not so.
am i pushing the blame of the results [whatever it may be as i dont know yet] to someone else? externally attributing my failure, or my lack of success to this external factor which is beyond my reach, beyond my control?

peharps i am.
but when she started doing the motodachi part for kirikaeshi,





i thought,
bollocks, this is it.


i always talk about beauty in regret,
but to hell with that,
there's no beauty in this.

there goes a fantastic start to my 24/7 rag week.
hello rag, hello kendo, bye bye life.