i should have done an update much earlier, but i was just pretty happy being my lazy ass self, not doing anything, bumming around at home in the comfort of my parents' and sisters' company, the tv, an assortment of tasties and of course, not to be forgotten, my perfect bed.

not that i lazed around much.


i'm just really glad that the past week is over. everything; the horrible results from my tests, the lab meeting and bbq, the preparation for the tournament, the adjustments [for the nth time] for the banner, the tournament itself, and lastly, the outcome.

i'd say i'm really lucky. what kind of legend will this be? a team comprising of a 2nd kyu, 4th kyu and 6th kyu going on in the finals to meet the dan level members? it's seriously just insane.

i just hope i didn't disappoint too many people when i stepped out in the shi-ai jo to meet my opponent during the women's final. it was obvious for everyone to see the difference in skill and experience; it's a no-brainer who would win.
but all i could remember in echoing through my head as i stepped in and drew my shinai was kitt's words for me as i braced myself.

if anything, i must thank her. for all the reminders, for threatening to cut my leg off if my left leg shifts before a cut, for reminding me not to get injured and to walk more carefully, to hold my shinai properly and keep centre, for frowning at me and being annoyed when i have no tenouchi, for giving me assurance when i was at a loss at what to do, how to brace the team events, how to be a sempo.

i wouldn't have understood the dynamics of team events, play of order and tactics if not for her. she is quite brilliant, i would say. quite remarkable really, this senior.

i really really couldn't understand why i had to do certain things a certain way, and despite it being good for the team overall, i still felt it went against my personal values and beliefs. every match we fought, i felt the cognitive dissonance accumulating in my heart, and it felt like a rock, weighing down on my shoulders, getting heavier and heavier, as the matches proceeded; it felt like something dirty, the guilt buried deep inside, it's circumference of control slowly expanding as it ate me up...

of course, once i stepped into the shi-ai jo, all the reluctance, hesitation, doubt, fear, guilt, whatsoever just dissolved into the lightly air-conditioned air and dissappeared. and then i just forgot.

i couldn't remember how many times, for how long, how we did it,
and then, we made it. we just made it.

i may have felt some conflict when she told me somethings before the first match and advised me to adopt a certain strategy, but now i understand where she was coming from. an inexperienced player like me wouldn't understand the dynamics of team play and strategising of course. to me, things simply felt wrong, i felt off, weak, inadequate, out-of-place.

despite the fierce internal conflict I've experienced, i would say this outcome is surely a sweet one, and the best outcome for all of us, i think. i've kept to my promise to her, didn't lose any points to any of the opponents, all the way till the finals. however much that conflicted inside of me, went against the way i felt kendo should be like, it was a pleasant outcome overall. the mens' team managed to get a second-runner up, though i felt they deserved much more. the ladies team managed to clinch a silver, and overall we managed to claim back something for the kai and the school, which is desirable and something we should be proud of, surely.

though i believe this, kitt and yick entirely deserve, for me, this was but one of the rare miracles and lucky flukes that happen to such an ordinary and unspectacular person like me.

this is all and good.
but why do i still feel... inadequate?

not managing to score any points this tournament was just, simply put, distasteful.
i understand the principle of you scoring a point on the opponent equating to the opponent making a mistake, and of course nobody likes to make any mistakes, but still, drawing, to me was...

and then, she said, 'drawing is good! i lost 2 points last time when i was supposed to draw...'
and he said, 'drawing is a good outcome,'

but to me, all of this....





what is a shiny cup sitting on my table useful for?

to remind me that i'm not strong enough.
yet.

cognition 1: i think that i am not strong enough.
cognition 2: i know i have to be strong and not let the team down.




result: cognitive dissonance.

solution: you know what i have to do.

i haven't
tried for ihg sports yet
sung in eusoff choir yet
danced as part of the dance crew in dp yet
done rag for a second time yet
gone to dnd yet






is it already time to leave?

nobody will understand my reluctance when i set into the shi-ai jo.
the way my heart pounds as if it were my first keiko; the way i have to wear my men really early to psych myself up; the way i sometimes talk to myself in that small little space wherein there is nothing but my single sole existence.

and then when the match begins, all reluctances flies away.


-------------------------------------------------------------
some random things here and there.

i'm amused by how skinny and slim the arms of the girls modelling for clothes sprees on taiwan online spree sites are. the average like sleeve opening size is 20 cm or smaller. and when they wear it, it's like loose! goodness. even wz has a arm circumference of 20. i measured mine. you dont really want to know.


i'm annoyed by how whao seems to think there is something going on between me and weijun. the funniest part is of all people, ME! shumin would know what i mean. -___- all this insider talk... it's really ironic. but well, that's how things are. you talk a little more with some people and then other people misjudge and interpret it the other way. *heaves a sigh* not that it matters anyway, mundane things.

i'm half amused half irritated by the way kitt and wenhao [wonder of wonders! taicho came to supper! *gasp* i should go buy 4D] talked about hall activities and rag during supper. i guess nobody would understand, and plus considering i always moan and groan about having to go saw wood, burn my holidays making some recycled material float subsisting on some kind of weird diet and totally irregular sleep cycle, it's no wonder people have a bad impression of rag/sets.

i kind of half tested my mom's reaction to my-potentially-joining-rag again this year. bad. period. like her mood, which was like unsually good [she's pretty happy when i go home during weekends sometimes because i always talk alot and say lame jokes and ask weird questions and pester her] just suddenly became foul.

but damn, i like it. i really really do.
which means i really have to think about things...

and of course nobody would understand my feeling towards kendo. no one outside of it, at least.
something godspeed said, i will never forget; it's difficult, that's why it's fun.
and i agreed. wholeheartedly.





i dont like how things are going. time is passing so fast, and this semester is ending. it's not just the end of my sophomore year; it signals something more crucial , more solemn, more ... heavy-hearted. and the worst part is that i'm not ready for it. im not ready yet to take up something like this...

i wouldn't say i'm dreading it, but, in the words of someone,
'too bad, that's life,'

'Hi all, as you all may know, there is a BBQ party in my condo on March 22nd (Sat). It is also the easter public holiday. This email is sent to people who showed interests in this. In addition, your significant others are welcome to join us. Pls confirm with me whether you are coming and how many of you are coming. You are welcome to swim. There are two pools here (with depth ranged from .5m to 1.3m)'






cool, there's free food and i can choose to let everyone see my hideous figure in a skin-tight bathing suit.

ok, who wants to be my significant other?

my fingers are dancing around the keyboard looking for the right letters to type to form the right words that are the materialisation of the right thoughts i want to relay.

but there are always misunderstandings.

and even then, ambiguousness exists and is such an inevitable unremoveable part of life that i too, sometimes, misinterpret.
your smile, your gestures, your eyes.


the tournament is in less than 3 weeks time and i'm in the ladies team a.
i'm not sure if i should be extremely excited and happy or stressed out and depressed.
because that's life, isn't it? things come when you're not ready to face them, and you find yourself pressed for time; feeling inadequate, insufficient.

yeah, i think i kind of realised,
i'm not a junior anymore.

8+1+8+8+10-2+4+8+10+1+8=40???








ah, f*** it.

this is hall.

of shopping.


lately my newfound kendo friend, shumin,has introduced me to a wholenewworld of wonderful newfound love. online shopping. things i never knew existed, prices i never knew could be so low, deals i never knew could be so ridiculous, parcels i never knew could bring me such delight.

yes, i have finally made the crossover, from standing with my mother in the same line; believing conservatively that clothes have to be tried and looked at in the mirror on your body before you should decide if you want to purchase them, to the other side. it's been some time, but i've finally made the crossover.
yes, i have bought more clothes in the past week than i have in the past year, maybe even. *ponders for a moment* close to, i think. hmm, yeah. i think so.

not that i've bought a lot the past week. it's just that i'm not much of a shopper actually, so this is all really new to me... a refreshing experience i must say.


maybe it's because i'm really sick and tired of walking around shopping malls, having to face bored-looking really couldn't be bothered shop assistants, fend off over-enthusiastic shop owners, take off and put back on the rack clothes that don't seem to fit my body shape and size, be under the scrutiny of the ever-so-fashionably-dressed-town-crowd. yes, indeed, i quite despise shopping. and all the foot sore, leg cramps, disappointments and insanely pricey deals that come along in the package.





i really, really, really think i'm starting to get addicted to this. *smirk*
*chuckle* maybe soon i'll spend enough such that i'll be driven to start my own livejournal shop selling my second-hand wares to fund my shopping trips.

unlikely. i dont think i can handle the postage.

‘固执，热情，依赖，偶尔犹豫不决；聪明。。。应该说是狡猾。’



since 1pm today this is the sentence that has been ringing in my head.