i should have done an update much earlier, but i was just pretty happy being my lazy ass self, not doing anything, bumming around at home in the comfort of my parents' and sisters' company, the tv, an assortment of tasties and of course, not to be forgotten, my perfect bed.

not that i lazed around much.


i'm just really glad that the past week is over. everything; the horrible results from my tests, the lab meeting and bbq, the preparation for the tournament, the adjustments [for the nth time] for the banner, the tournament itself, and lastly, the outcome.

i'd say i'm really lucky. what kind of legend will this be? a team comprising of a 2nd kyu, 4th kyu and 6th kyu going on in the finals to meet the dan level members? it's seriously just insane.

i just hope i didn't disappoint too many people when i stepped out in the shi-ai jo to meet my opponent during the women's final. it was obvious for everyone to see the difference in skill and experience; it's a no-brainer who would win.
but all i could remember in echoing through my head as i stepped in and drew my shinai was kitt's words for me as i braced myself.

if anything, i must thank her. for all the reminders, for threatening to cut my leg off if my left leg shifts before a cut, for reminding me not to get injured and to walk more carefully, to hold my shinai properly and keep centre, for frowning at me and being annoyed when i have no tenouchi, for giving me assurance when i was at a loss at what to do, how to brace the team events, how to be a sempo.

i wouldn't have understood the dynamics of team events, play of order and tactics if not for her. she is quite brilliant, i would say. quite remarkable really, this senior.

i really really couldn't understand why i had to do certain things a certain way, and despite it being good for the team overall, i still felt it went against my personal values and beliefs. every match we fought, i felt the cognitive dissonance accumulating in my heart, and it felt like a rock, weighing down on my shoulders, getting heavier and heavier, as the matches proceeded; it felt like something dirty, the guilt buried deep inside, it's circumference of control slowly expanding as it ate me up...

of course, once i stepped into the shi-ai jo, all the reluctance, hesitation, doubt, fear, guilt, whatsoever just dissolved into the lightly air-conditioned air and dissappeared. and then i just forgot.

i couldn't remember how many times, for how long, how we did it,
and then, we made it. we just made it.

i may have felt some conflict when she told me somethings before the first match and advised me to adopt a certain strategy, but now i understand where she was coming from. an inexperienced player like me wouldn't understand the dynamics of team play and strategising of course. to me, things simply felt wrong, i felt off, weak, inadequate, out-of-place.

despite the fierce internal conflict I've experienced, i would say this outcome is surely a sweet one, and the best outcome for all of us, i think. i've kept to my promise to her, didn't lose any points to any of the opponents, all the way till the finals. however much that conflicted inside of me, went against the way i felt kendo should be like, it was a pleasant outcome overall. the mens' team managed to get a second-runner up, though i felt they deserved much more. the ladies team managed to clinch a silver, and overall we managed to claim back something for the kai and the school, which is desirable and something we should be proud of, surely.

though i believe this, kitt and yick entirely deserve, for me, this was but one of the rare miracles and lucky flukes that happen to such an ordinary and unspectacular person like me.

this is all and good.
but why do i still feel... inadequate?

not managing to score any points this tournament was just, simply put, distasteful.
i understand the principle of you scoring a point on the opponent equating to the opponent making a mistake, and of course nobody likes to make any mistakes, but still, drawing, to me was...

and then, she said, 'drawing is good! i lost 2 points last time when i was supposed to draw...'
and he said, 'drawing is a good outcome,'

but to me, all of this....





what is a shiny cup sitting on my table useful for?

to remind me that i'm not strong enough.
yet.