when i woke up i looked like crap today.



the kind of cute guy who has a girlfriend already from my japanese tutorial kept looking at me while he sat across me today, so i kept fidgeting and wondering if if my face looked like crap because i definitely felt like crap squirming inside.

how tragic.

now i get it.
why scarlett johannson said lipstick always made her look better when she was sick.
why girl even wear a black liquid like substance called eyeliner around their eyes.
how foundation can barely cover up the signs of staying up the night before.

xianyong said something that really hit me during supper, and i really have nothing much to retort or argue back because it left me absolutely speechless.

girls wear makeup because they're not confident of how they naturally look.
.
.
.

now i understand why sometimes girls must put makeup before they leave the house.
because they don't want the whole world to know they looked like crap when they woke up.
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i thought it wouldn't matter, since we never talked much since we started knowing each other anyway, but it did, it does. that we can pass each other by like we never met, never knew; without so much as a small side glance, no nod of acknowledgement, no daily sarcastic remarks, no endless teasing till no end [that's like a stupid way of phrasing it but who cares, i feel like crap.]

zero. zilch. nil. none. nothing.


i guess that's too bad.
that i made my choice,
and now it's time to pay the consequences.

it's just not a nice feeling, like nobody likes getting slapped on the face.
it's like you're an apple and the orange just called you sour.
or you finished your homework and your friend copied it but your teacher said you cheated.
or something like that.


ah, whatever.

------------------------------------
i'm quite excited cause my split cam came, but i'm in no absolute mood to try and play around with it so i figure the earliest i ll get it going is probably after exams. the whole idea of multiple exposure pictures is so-o appealing to me.

but the sole highlight of the day must have been the arrival of the bubblewrap that covered the split cam. it's like bigger than normal, and makes a humongigantous 'POP!' sound when you start popping the bubbles. incredibly addictive.
so-o love.

it came at the exact right moment when i was going to start on one of my rituals again.
it didn't stop me, much, but it did help me lay off the stress a little.


you know,

sometimes i don't think i could handle living around and being with people.
i just don't know how to handle them.

----------------------------------------------------
a guy handed me tissue during supper yesterday.

it was a minute, discreet, unimportant, perhaps unoticeable gesture,
but i was really struck.

it was like nothing.
we were talking and laughing and the prata and curry came so we passed it down the table and because i wasnt paying attention i was laughing at someone's jokes i accidentally tilted the curry dish slightly sidewards and it spilled just a little onto my fingers, and me being my disorganised messy and disorientated lazy self i deliberately did not bring any tissue or handkerchief or whatsoever [i find them absolutely uneccessary and too girly for my image] and the action was so small and i didn't do anything to make a big fuss and acted like nothing happened so i'm sure no one must have noticed but

he passed me the tissue.

no extra words, no request required, no second look whatsoever,
just the tissue.




i don't know what to say,
except that,



i was really impressed.

and,
oh,
tissue can be quite useful.