kendo training days and venue has just been changed and i've just realised that monday is currently my free day. lovely. i mean, serious. deadpan serious. it's good, because it means i get a longer weekend and i get to slowly dwell in my room and clean my bogu and pack my gi and hakama before going for monday training.

the prospect of friday trainings are exciting/draining though. it's the love/hate good/bad pros/cons double edged sword situation. but looking at how things are going it seems to be the best arrangement; given that we DO get our mpsh 6 on both days for next semester, which would be REALLY, REALLY good for youth tournament.

so cut to the chase.
kendo duties aside, which i am, after sleeping half a day away and cleaning up 1/n of the foyer, where n is an integer -----------> infinity, very ready to take up and share with dear shu, who has been so faithfully helpfully toiling and shouldering on her own, while i was sewing and cutting and screwing and painting,

it's over.
all over.

3 months of work.
2 months of sleeping in wardrobe.

i would have liked to tell you how proud i was.
i would have liked to tell you how much i wanted gui ming wayne to be the one, like vijay liew, to run up to the stage, be handed the rag shield, and be lifted and thrown by the crowd, like how a real champion's welcome should be, deserving only of a true leader, friend, confidante like he.
i would have like to tell you how much pride swelled in me as the dancers stepped into their costumes, melted into character
i would have liked to tell you how our celebration would be, as we would be welcomed back to hall, at the 50th anniversary gala dinner, by master, by the RFs, by the programmers, by the freshmen,
i would have liked to tell vijay how happy i was how proud i was how much i wished he could be here, with me, with han cheng, with lau hong, with his CB son, and with the shield that we proudly and oh-so-bravely defended,

i would have liked han cheng and lau hong to be cocky and ohsodelighted when the announced our float to be that of the best design,

i would have like the freshies to be able to stand proud and to be able to gloat and to go around telling their friends that eusoff hall, rag 08/09, a christmas reverie, is the best float, best design, best hall rag ever.


i would have liked it.

this is what the end should be.
in my mind.

i would have liked it that i would stand, with a smile, turn around and look back at our float, maybe just a glance, settle my heart and mind, and be rest assured that things are the way they should be, so i can leave things, pick up the pieces, and move on, and be concerned with other important things in my life.

to move on.
to carry on.

but i can't.
i couldn't.
it's ironic, that the feeling of winning last year brought tears to my face, and no matter how many times the image replays in my mind, the joy, excitement, unexpectedness, it's fresh, like baby's breath, like the smell of toasted bread, like the warmth of someone's hand holding mine.
and now, today, tomorrow next week, next month, next year.
till something is done, the feeling of unsettledness, the feeling of dissatisfaction, of unhappiness, of disappointment, of doubt, of question, will plague me, eat at me, consume my thoughts and my self whole; a insatiable, uncontrollable hunger that will possess me, and never rest at peace.

tears, are the only familar thing.

i thought i could be strong.
but looking at every piece, every square, every length, every side, every tear;
nadia, her head burrowed in my shoulder, as i hug her silently, so strongly i fear it would tear us apart; yee yee, tears streaming down her face, as her eyes, so heartbroken, so dejected;
madeline, so quiet, so silent, so solitary, so strong. ling zhi, so adamant, so defiant, in so much doubt, question, deny.

and loh joon kit. trying his best to console me, hand pressing on my head.
only as i looked up did i realise, red, were his eyes.

as the awards were announced, one by one, as the cheers from the opposite side grew louder,
i knew in my heart,

that rag would be something,

that could never leave my mind.

and you, my friends.
my friends, my comrades, my confidantes, my partners, my fellow slaves,
who toiled with me, dragged your wearing feet and souls with me, who worked through all this shit with me,

will have an irreplaceable place in my heart.




never mind what they say.
never mind that they don't understand.
that my dad isn't happy. that i burned my holidays away. that we came out empty handed. that we came out with tear streaked faces.

my heart,
is warm.

-----------------------------------------------------------

while i was body painting the dancers in preparation for performance, yijun came around and helped me excitedly. it's a rather sad thing i did not get to know her till much later, and even more regretful thing that i did not have the chance to know her better. and now she's going to be away from hall.

and so as she rather excitedly helped me with painting the backs of the not-so-hunky woodcutter guys, she asked me, with a half sigh,

'wenlin ah, how many more times are you going to do rag, ah?'


i was stunned for a moment but i just smiled and kind of continued what i was doing, and said, 'no la,' or something, but that question lingered at the back of my mind, all throughout august the 8th, after rag, after we went back, after we cleaned up, after i slept, after i woke up, after the 9th, after the 10th, and even till now.

and then something else, which may or may not seem so relevant, was triggered by this notion
i remember the time when i was in the main float tent, standing next to wayne as hong jin was discussing the colour scheme with me, and wayne was doing his coke detailing.

so he whispered,
'join sets, join sets, join sets.' followed by his standard 'kiv, I REJECT, HAHAHA' laughter.
and i was like, WAH LAU. because i missed/miss dance. and i felt like i gained enough confidence to meet up to my own expectations and self image to go for the audition, to be scrutinised despite not having the perfect body, or impressive dance experience.

then he said, join sets la. he said,
can you imagine? in future right, i will ask juniors, who is your idol? and they will say, TAN WENLIN! why? because she joined sets for FOUR YEARS LEH! how zai is that! how zai is her painting and sets xia!!! she's a legend!'

at that moment, i just laughed and brushed him off. the thought of it pleased me/repelled me at the same time but,

now, when i look back.
i think,
and i think now i remember,
with a smile,

why i did sets.
again,

and again.

why i did rag,
again,

and again.

because of you, gui ming wayne. we go way back. it's been what, 2 years? i remember the du lan face you had on the first day of orientation. i was scared shitless by you and ching har but luckily she was so friendly and her voice so cute it kind of assured me a little. and then sets. yes, hadrian chin. marcus chai. L BERT. hui lo. LAU HONG JIN. firus! but still gui ming wayne. and rag. mr vijay liew, someone special. esther ng cheng teng. shazzy wazzy. liew mei chee. YEW HUNG SENG, and still gui ming wayne. sets, 2007/2008. bella, teee kaihui, edmundo, kaihan, madeline, raymond, esther :), soohf, BUT GUI MING WAYNE AGAIN. then rag 2008/2009. yew hung seng, lau hong jin, kelvin, mad :) soo hf :) siti nadia binte mohammed, LJK, raymond, lychee, andrew, chin qian lyn, YEOH YEEE YEEEE E=D

but still

GUI. MING. WAYNE.


hello, i almost want to ask,
how many times you want to do sets and rag again ah, GUI MING WAYNE?

we really go way back, friend.
you've seen me change from some emo nemo kid, childish, silly, sensitive, bad dress sense, into someone more mature, more wise, still some emo, still some sensitive, pseudo designer dress sense.
i've seen you change, those around you come and leave, change, become closer, become further apart.

time has passed, my friend.
i would have liked for you, my friend, to be the one holding the rag shield as we carry you, so small, so fun-sized, but so proud, so incredible, so wonderful, high up into the sky, so high it would feel like you were the sun, shining down upon us, bringing us, leading us, being right next to us.

i would have liked it to be you.

when you ask again,
if you ask again,

could i bear to say no?

-----------------------------------------------------

yew hung seng, lau hong jin, and gui ming wayne.
maybe it's enough.
i don't really want to be a legend, because it's not what im cut out to be.
2 years of all this, toilling, dwelling, dragging, slogging,
and sometimes we question, why?

nobody understands me as well as you do.

is it time to stop?


when the time comes,
for us to make a decision again,
are we really able to leave? to say no? to turn around, walk away?


maybe,
we were legends from the beginning,
just that,
we never knew.