i don't know the point of things now.
it's like everything is too late, there's no turning back now, no room for regret.

whatever choices you've made, whatever responsibilities i've taken up.
why even bother now?




things are different now.
we are no longer as we were, and could never be.

these things shouldn't bother me, i know, but it annoys me that they do.



sometimes in life we wait patiently for things to happen,
and when they do not turn out as expected, we take things in our stride and move on.

there's no room for wallowing in regret.
because there's no way i'm waiting any longer.

---------------------------------------------------

this weekend is a happy one, because i received 6 coloured balloons yesterday.
some people may think it's rather despicable to give away presents given to you, but contrary to this, i believe that it's really sharing the joy, because it's like spreading a nice warm feeling around. it's like it's winter time and it's snowing, and you see a cold person, and you loosen your scarf so that it can wrap around both of your necks. or like a rainy day and you have an umbrella and you see someone stuck in the rain, and then you offer to share the umbrella.

something like that, anyway.

so i gave 4 balloons away, to the 4 girls who have touched me the most since i have entered hall.
and i have 2 left with me; one of the two, a white one.
no prizes for guessing what the colour of the other balloon is, *wide grin*



i think i'll set the balloon free.
find an open space, this saturday morning maybe;

it's something i've always wanted to do.


balloons are not the cheapest things; understandably adults always instruct their children to hold on tight to their balloons and make sure their grip never loosens, but somehow, as a child, i always felt there was a thrill associated with the feeling of my fingers loosening it's grip on the string, and the sensation of feeling the balloon slowly slip away from my fingers.

it's like something uncontrollable, something free.

when the balloon escapes, there's an undeniable disappointment, but at the same time, i can't help but feel happy and comforted for the balloon, because finally, in the end, it is able to escape it's fate; able to avoid being held on to forever; avoid having to shrivel up and wither away; avoid having to be placed carelessly or treated abusively; avoid the sad fate of bursting into bits and pieces of nothingness.


somehow balloons make me happy and sad at the same time.

it's quite remarkable, this little thing.



thank you darell, weiling, for being there, all 5 going on 6 years of our friendship,
and for all the little surprises, and bigger ones in between.


this weekend is packed, and i'm kind of half-dreading-half-damn-excited about the welcome session later, but, honestly, my brain tells me that, all i really, really, really, want to do is to screw classes, screw hall, screw school, screw my commitments and escape to somewhere quiet and sleep a hell lot, just for a while.

it's okay if i don't get to eat.
as long as i can sleep, or do nothing at all.



did i tell you?
my idea of an ideal holiday?

i would do absolutely nothing at all.