i'm glad i saved him the last paper. he was so busy he didn't have time to get it. i stood around and fidgeted and kept looking behind; the newspaper pile was getting thinner and thinner as the crowds started to swarm from the subway; and i watched sadly as the pile on my hand diminished...

in the end, i took out the last copy from my bag, and.

well. thats where it went.



i ll be sad to say goodbye.
but i didn't even get to.

---------------------------------------

super glad rui song, joshua, hong jin and hui ro came to support me for my last newspaper day.
sometimes its these small minute things that make your day. =)

it surely made mine.

if anything,

today was the wake up call i needed.

it's crunch time.






i will become strong,
just wait and see.

its funny cause i just realised the old 'rk house' which used to be downstairs changed their name to 'ak' house.... maybe its the bad karma associated with the whole rk house youtube scandal, but what i heard from chisato is that the authentic scene of the crime is located across the causeway, not here, in bishan.

well.

random things this weekend.


ran over to wife's house and talked to her in a long bit. she looked slightly weathered, but good. maybe it's the studying. hope the curriculum for acca isn't too xiong. smsed her to tell her i was coming but sent it to qiu ping instead, who then readily replied and asked me when i would arrive haha. had to call to clear up the misunderstanding. kon stays in hougang for goodness sake! it'd take me, what, 3 hours? to run to her place, minus getting lost... lol...

it felt good, stretching at the void deck resident's corner, waiting for her.
and she's 20 already!
of the 4 of us, im the only one left ... who hasn't hit the big 2...
im kind of eagerly looking forward to the stamp of maturity and approval *smug*

saturday,
hans art competition; watching the kids draw, the parents watching expectantly and indirectly pressuring from the sides... talking to mike and yasmin, blah blah, of the blazing heat, and of 401, which i waited for obediently at 7 am for 30 mins only to realise that the first service starts at 1400... of course then i hurriedly asked for directions to take 31 to some HDB area at marine parade, then i rushed through the underpass and made it on time...

nothing much at hans art recently, except a few amusing things, like yi ren comparing results with sean; sean reporting his results to yi ren with his usual poker face, yi ren making a huge fuss over sean's good results, yi ren finding out that i'm older than sean, blah blah
-------------------------------------------------------
yi ren *directed to me: so, what are your results? math lei?
me: er, i dont take math anymore.
yi ren *shocked : WHY!

sean * stone face*: because she's in university.
yi ren *jaw drops, small eyes widen* : HUH! HOW COME, THEN SHE'S OLDER THAN YOU AH, ISSIT!!!*

sean: yeah, duh.

---------------------------------

lol, kids nowadays.

working with them makes me feel old. this really cute girl turned around and called me 'auntie' and i thought it shouldnt hurt so much, but there was discernable heartache. *sigh*

and its weird cause i have these penpal-wannabes suddenly adding me to their msn, and i dont know where the hell they got my msn from. weird.
dud.

then there's mike, with his incredibly cold jokes, but he's extremely easy to talk to.

when he told me that my blog entries are really long, it kind of reminded me of sth youzhi told me before. he said that my smses are incredibly long, and that they arent smses cause they're supposed to be short. mine would be LMS, for long msg service. ah-ha. good one, youzhirella.

it wont be the same after mike's left for greener pastures in august. if i'm going to be at keong saik permanently, hopefully sean and i have potential for a more substantial conversation by then, besides a obvious common dislike for giving out flyers. *makes face* i mean, who doesnt?


-------------------------------------------

thinking of random things lately, like how 5 is a bad number, because you can't take a taxi. i always hated it as a kid. like being in a family of 5 and not having private transport is such a bane, but i guess it did me good and i'm pretty much an avid supporter of sbs now...

then there's more random stuff like how i used to tell people i like to eat 'sharon' because the brand of persimmons that NTUC imports is called 'sharon persimmons' ... you can imagine how puzzled my mom was when i told her i want to eat sharons...



today was weird because the sky looked like it was photo-shopped.
well. weird stuff happens.

oh, and it was really hot today.

no inspiration, so, as usual, there is no structure in this post, no intro, no body, no conclusion.
randomness and incoherence rules.

its kind of weird that im living less than 100 m away from wayne but we havent had a proper conversation since the holiday started. maybe its because we're in different groups and, when im free, hes gaming, and when hes free, im either giving out newspapers, at my internship, at kendo practice, or at home. sometimes i question the proximity.

well.

ok, so 3 hours short of sleeping a total day away, i am back to my chirpy self again, ready to die, to ache, to be tortured for my n commitments.

but i still cant believe i emo-ed and just F***ed everything and went home and slept.
missed breakfast [doesnt really count i guess, managed to gobble some cookies while on 151 back in a bid to cheer myself up from the increasingly-less-satisfying newspaper job] lunch AND dinner can you believe it. then i woke at 4am today, thinking to myself, what should i eat, then i looked at the kitchen table, and the stuff on top of it, which was entirely unappetizing, and fucked it and went back to sleep.

im still contemplating whether or not to go for sunday's training. it would all depend on how many 1/2 hour sleep days there are left this week, and how tired i 'll get after the hans art thing on friday/saturday. reading mike's blog, apparently they slept 3 hours only the day before the competition...



this is so whiney but i seriously miss my mom.
she has this incredible power of making me feel warm and snuggly inside.


when i woke up, SHE WAS GONE!
blistering barnacles!
dad had warned me earlier that they might be off to you-know-where for a holiday, but i didnt expect myself to sleep so much that i missed her totally! FRMPH!


SIGH.


well, 1 and 1/2 hours to training, rag, 1/2 hour of rest after bathing after rag, then giving out newspapers.

wow, its a brand new day and im feeling incredibly fantastic.

i dont know where to begin.

however i phrase it, i will sound biased, whiny, sore, whatever...



when things are like this, i cant help but start to regret the way i made my decisions.
starting to regret these little promises, those big words...

responsibilities are heavy, so heavy sometimes i think they are too much to bear...

i understand the reason behind specialisation, but it doesnt mean that one person keeps having to do all the heavy work, does it? even if im supposed to be the one who is experienced and supposedly is 'best' for the job, it doesnt mean my muscles wont tire out and i wont choke on the saw dust right? it doesnt mean that i know how to do it = i have to do all of it all of the time, right? what if im not there? what if i suddenly died off? seriously... i....

i cannot understand how people can look at me quizzically and say that i look extremely tired.
hell, of course i am!
i feel like screaming and yelling and crying but all i can do is manage a weak smile that would suffice for such social situations in fear of soiling my relationship with the person... and of all people, .... to have the cheek to ask....

sigh.
i should just...
forget it.


i really... sometimes i wish i were better at other things... like simple things that dont require brute strength, or some degree of severe hardship... like being nifty with my fingers so i could do detailing or the less heavy stuff...

sometimes i get the feeling im being pushed around, but its with a side compliment,
taken with a pinch of salt? i dont know... seriously...

after seok kean leaves for wardrobe, i ll be the only girl left in engine. which is what i expected, initially anyway, when she told me that rag doesnt seem to be what she thought it to be...
she says she likes cutting and folding cans....

sigh....

and that the workplace is dirty, dusty, and hot...
and the work is hard...

then i look at her,
and i look, inwardly, at myself,
and i question myself
what the hell am i doing here?....

i mean, i've had my fair share of good times in rag, and these people are a nice bunch, but working in a team like that, doing stuff like that, having to be depended on like that, sometimes, i think, its just a little too much...




its really difficult.

its just the small things that keep you going, keep you sane...
rui siong and his crazy antics, shazi with her brownies, and asking me if im ok, which of course i always say i am even if im not [i mean, what CAN you do when someone says she/he isnt ok? i wouldn't know what to do either... what a dilema] meichi with her lame jibes, esther's silly smile....

hui ro and hong jin... hong jin especially... but its different, i mean, you can ask me if im ok, but...and anyway its different, being a designer and an engineer...we all have our vices... now i understand why some people give me the i-think-you-must-be-mad face when i say im doing rag....

who knows, maybe i really am.


this is not a good time to ask me whether i will want to do this again next year....
no, it isnt....



this is totally random, but im looking at my right arm, which is sore from screwing
and wondering how im going to last tomorrow's training
wait a minute,
its later. later today. sigh.

today will be a long day.
i think i ll skip hans art so i can sleep in...
at least i took the day off...




maybe its just me, that i can't take hardships, that im a softie, that i'm weak, or whatever...
but i feel really, really tired....

sometimes i think i try way too hard to prove that im strong, which im not...
actually im not, so really... dont expect me to be...

this is even more random, but there's always this cliched thing about the female protagonist's tears hitting the keyboard while shes typing, but i just realised this cant really be possible, not for lap tops anyway, the distance isnt quite right...



newspapers to give out in 1 hour... sigh... or maybe i should just fuck it and go home.
fuck everything and go home...

i'm kidding, ok?
sigh.

for a while i stood, staring blankly wondering what the hell it was.

there i felt like some dumb ass.








im missing bob.








wondering if bob is still a bitch,

















wondering if bob still mews in his sleep,










wondering if the printer is still there for him to sleep in










there are loads of things i will miss from 06/07.
and because of these things, i will love having even been associated with eusoff hall, despite these things not existing here anymore.

no more waiting at the bus stop with jiejing while complaining about kendo trainings.
its not an issue; we stay so near anyway, but things won't be the same; they haven't been, since he left... and both him and i are unsure of whether he will be coming back...
there are still occasional subway cookies, and discussions over the latest japanese dramas, but things aren't the same...

no more hadrian hippo and shaun watching over us while we drill and saw and screw on some tiring nights. no more 'put your hands up for detroit' playing over the radio while sets is going on 6/07.... no more 'four thousand gold' [quite aptly put my joshua, if i must say so myself,] of dp sets 06/07... no more firus making lame jokes and saying whatever we make is 'pretty' with all earnestness in his voice... there isn't a single way i can't not miss it...

if anything, definitely im doing rag because i miss sets. but its not the same, and will never be...

no more playing with bob jr, no more brownies, no more donuts with mr m in his messy room, no more talking about sets, small boy, and random things.
its not like we wont be able to talk or meet anymore, but it definitely wont be the same anymore... he won't always be in a1 anymore, and i can't always drop by when i'm feeling bored and on my way to doing laundry....



but i know i shouldn't be thinking about such things; mulling over forgone losses

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

newspapers to give out in the day, recycling plants to go to to source for materials in the morning, internship to go to in the noon time, kendo practices, shi-ai and grading to train for in the early evening, art lessons to go to on wednesday afternoons, kids to tend to to make sure they don't kill each other during hans art on saturdays, mechanisms, prototypes and rag to do at night....and of course there's always the well-deserved supper at 4 am after a hard 'day's' work...

somehow, in the midst of these things, i still manage to find time to sob, quietly, as i grieve over the loss of things so dear to me.

its funny how something as insignificant like giving out newspapers can bring such immense enlightenment on such an ordinary soul as i.

every morning, i stand witness to the fact that singapore produces citizens that rank number one in terms of walking speed. its amusing, that the straits times even bothered to do a cover on it, but when the article linked walking speed arbitrarily to speed of development and technological advancement blah blah i started to switch off and kind of droned off for the rest of the article.

i mean, whats the causal link anyway? at least i dont see any.
some government propaganda to satisfy our inner desires and substantiate our daily behaviour. its rather absurd, really.

its also rather interesting to see all kinds of people.
as boring as office workers seem; those 9-5 white collar workforce slaves,
there seem to be a generous variety of sorts;
and since the location where i give out places is somewhat south,
some plants and blue collar work places are located there as well.

so every morning i have my fair share of ol eye candy and manly technicians/construction hunks.


*laughs*
thats such a sexist statement.

students hurrying to school; office workers running late for work, part-time half-retired office aunties and uncles, grumpy ns men grudgingly trudging to serve the nation,

all types and all kinds.



most certainly there are a variety of responses.
the cold smile and slight shake of the head; the i-dont-even-see-you-at-all face,
the unexpected slow generous spread of a smile; the urgent and quick nod of approval followed by hurried grabbing of the paper; the 'i-havent-even-reached-you-but-my hand-is-already-super-outstretched-demanding-the-paper'; the strong snatch and run; the loose grip that results in the paper dropping on the floor, and, usually, me, bending up to pick it; the 'good morning' and cheery 'thank you';
the queue-cutters; the 'is this the english paper'; the glutton 'can i have 5 copies'

the kind of people that amuse/infuriate me the most are those who dont see to know what they want.
i mean, you stand there giving out the papers, and its pretty obvious that when you walk out of the exit and if you want the paper you'd walk towards me, right? so i have a line of say, 4-5 people walking in my direction.

then in front of this line,
this guy walks steadily towards me.
i smile and extend my right arm and hand, which is gripping a newspaper
the hovers, he falters, almost walks past me

hello, so do you want the paper?

i drop my hand, about to give it to someone else,
THEN he sticks his hand out, half-heartedly, as if suddenly remembering that he wants the paper.


.........

i mean, you'd think someone would make it obvious if they wanted something, like maybe making eye contact or speaking or giving some action or sign of confirmation, but no, there are people are simply cant make up their mind.




i wouldnt say this is a fulfilling job,
but on days that i dont survive on 0 or 1/2 hour sleep cycles,
seeing his bright smile and cheery 'good morning' or watching her extend both hands and gratefully say 'thank you' isn't too bad.

i think what wenhao said is right.

all my life,
i've been focusing too much on what i dont have,
rather than banking on my evident strengths.

but i suppose its only second nature to envy and compliment, right?

nothing much happened today for training, except that jiawei fractured his arm, which came as a huge shock to all of us, since sunday is the tourney and we ve all been looking forward to it. now we're one man down...

so it was an immensely long and arduous wait at the NUH a&e.
i hate hospital settings. unless im the patient. waiting kills me...

then it was back to rag, and i found out ive been allocated to same group as hong wei, which is kind of interesting, because he was my ogl and all. well.

and of course, im pretty sure this will be the butt of jokes for months to come; i pulled the plug out of the socket for the grinder without switching the switch off, and sparks flew and the electricity and lights went out. poof!
so we ended work early today.
i dunno, i felt really bad, but as if it wasnt bad enough, it just had to be rubbed in....




sometimes i wonder,
sometimes i wish...
--------------------------------------

jiawei may not be able to continue if it goes like this
if the fracture heals, even then... his kote will be vulnerable...
then we're one man down...
so, let standing, as of now, our batch, from the original 50 [or more, at the first session], we have
parry,ernest,weijun, jiawei [if his wounds can heal] and me.

it would be lying if i said it doesnt matter than i'm the only girl.
personal concerns are one thing,but having one rep for the girls in this batch means that when we're seniors there's seriously some trouble...


jiawei's current situation, and him telling us that he may not be able to continue, reminds me of the time jiejing left...

i mean, i know i told bao fang before than your commitment for kendo shouldnt be swayed by others, but friends are an immense influence and motivation, so...
it was just sad, not to be able to sit at the bus stop and wait for the bus with jiejing and talk about the crazy trainings and stuff...

i mean, i still see him and meet him regularly pretty much, in and outside of hall, but its different now...



i dont know, i just feel so confused.

its like sometimes you talk to people, then they dont really reply or look you in the eye, and sometimes they snub you real bad, but you wonder and speculate if they mean it or if you ve offended them and stuff but them you try to reassure yourself that they re just tired and stressed cause they re supposed to be your friends but sometimes you're not so sure.
but it doesn't matter.
sometimes proximity can damage friendships, i should think.
familiarity breeds contempt?

i hate this reading shit.


i miss wife.
her birthday is impending, and i havent done anything about it! bollocks!
--------------------------------------------------------

i cant wait for sunday, cause everything will be kind of less stressful after that, i hope. meeting in the morning on sat for the internship details, then off to hans art at keong saik to bum with the kids, then off home to see my folks and maybe revise my tayatare and cuts. then sunday morning off to changi to shi-ai with other people at the tourney, maybe go home, then dinner with jiejing

then its monday again.
at least there's no wo bao on monday to give out, haha.




this is such a boring entry.
*yawn*
i guess when youre tired,
you just dont have anything interesting or insightful to say.