i dont know where to begin.

however i phrase it, i will sound biased, whiny, sore, whatever...



when things are like this, i cant help but start to regret the way i made my decisions.
starting to regret these little promises, those big words...

responsibilities are heavy, so heavy sometimes i think they are too much to bear...

i understand the reason behind specialisation, but it doesnt mean that one person keeps having to do all the heavy work, does it? even if im supposed to be the one who is experienced and supposedly is 'best' for the job, it doesnt mean my muscles wont tire out and i wont choke on the saw dust right? it doesnt mean that i know how to do it = i have to do all of it all of the time, right? what if im not there? what if i suddenly died off? seriously... i....

i cannot understand how people can look at me quizzically and say that i look extremely tired.
hell, of course i am!
i feel like screaming and yelling and crying but all i can do is manage a weak smile that would suffice for such social situations in fear of soiling my relationship with the person... and of all people, .... to have the cheek to ask....

sigh.
i should just...
forget it.


i really... sometimes i wish i were better at other things... like simple things that dont require brute strength, or some degree of severe hardship... like being nifty with my fingers so i could do detailing or the less heavy stuff...

sometimes i get the feeling im being pushed around, but its with a side compliment,
taken with a pinch of salt? i dont know... seriously...

after seok kean leaves for wardrobe, i ll be the only girl left in engine. which is what i expected, initially anyway, when she told me that rag doesnt seem to be what she thought it to be...
she says she likes cutting and folding cans....

sigh....

and that the workplace is dirty, dusty, and hot...
and the work is hard...

then i look at her,
and i look, inwardly, at myself,
and i question myself
what the hell am i doing here?....

i mean, i've had my fair share of good times in rag, and these people are a nice bunch, but working in a team like that, doing stuff like that, having to be depended on like that, sometimes, i think, its just a little too much...




its really difficult.

its just the small things that keep you going, keep you sane...
rui siong and his crazy antics, shazi with her brownies, and asking me if im ok, which of course i always say i am even if im not [i mean, what CAN you do when someone says she/he isnt ok? i wouldn't know what to do either... what a dilema] meichi with her lame jibes, esther's silly smile....

hui ro and hong jin... hong jin especially... but its different, i mean, you can ask me if im ok, but...and anyway its different, being a designer and an engineer...we all have our vices... now i understand why some people give me the i-think-you-must-be-mad face when i say im doing rag....

who knows, maybe i really am.


this is not a good time to ask me whether i will want to do this again next year....
no, it isnt....



this is totally random, but im looking at my right arm, which is sore from screwing
and wondering how im going to last tomorrow's training
wait a minute,
its later. later today. sigh.

today will be a long day.
i think i ll skip hans art so i can sleep in...
at least i took the day off...




maybe its just me, that i can't take hardships, that im a softie, that i'm weak, or whatever...
but i feel really, really tired....

sometimes i think i try way too hard to prove that im strong, which im not...
actually im not, so really... dont expect me to be...

this is even more random, but there's always this cliched thing about the female protagonist's tears hitting the keyboard while shes typing, but i just realised this cant really be possible, not for lap tops anyway, the distance isnt quite right...



newspapers to give out in 1 hour... sigh... or maybe i should just fuck it and go home.
fuck everything and go home...

i'm kidding, ok?
sigh.