everytime i do it i tell myself when i look at myself in the mirror that it'll be the last time.

it's the only thing that makes me feel alive.

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nothing much these days.
vegetating on the family sofa, converting oxygen to carbon dioxide and contributing to the global warming effect, creating more waste disposal problems by excreting fecal matter and living off my parents' hard-earned money by eating every random thing in the fridge.

the kendo people organised a clubbing outing.

goodness, i dont even feel like an amoeba, how to go clubbing!?
im in such an asexual state it feels weird to even go to the library to return my overdue books, which luckily, i have, with much difficulty.
i guess it's what people call 'identity crisis', only people experience it typically during their teens, when they're making decisions with regards to important career choices, and probably, for women, in their mid-thirties and fourties when they're going through a rough patch trying to be a woman, a wife and a mother at the same time, not to mention daughter-in-law for most of us.

but its something that happens to me all the time.
but i kind of like it, not really knowing who i am.

come to think of it, its been quite a while since i last clubbed.
it was quite a nice feeling, i think, because of the people i were with. mr m, small boy, hy the gang. it was fun, dancing, drinking flaming lambos, just sitting around talking about lame things.


i dont fancy liquor that much, but i guess it's a necessary evil in our time and age.




less than a week has barely passed since my exams ended, and i havent slouched, gorged, lazed, or slept enough but it's time to get my ass back on the dojo, my eyes back to the computer screen and fingers back to the keyboard for transcribing, and my hands back to the screwdriver and circular saw and jigsaw to start dp sets.

i guess all i really wanted was a holiday.

i know things will be fine once tomorrow begins, in a matter of 13 minutes, once i plunge into all this. all this sense of discomfort, of not wanting to resume my responsibilities, not wanting to fulfill my obligations, not wanting to accomplish my ambitions, will just fade away.

even if they don't,
at least i wont regret,
my ass hurting from a long session of transcription,
my arms aching from screwing and drilling,
and most of all,
going for training.


sigh, there goes my holiday.