It's been ages since i went back. Ages since i embraced that nostalgic feeling full-fledgedly [if there IS such a word]...
I miss the times i had to wait for that sickening bus. The way it took forever for it to come. The way the bus smelt. The odd stench of the seats; the sense of insecurity surrounding me when i was on the bus. The whole rickety ride. The way the guys in the neighbouring school [yep, no need to think about it] acted, as if they thought they were very good-looking. The quiet mornings when i used to rush to take the earliest bus to school. The solitude as i strolled from the bus stop into school. The winding path leading towards the school that never seemed to end.

Every now and then, i open the closet. I know i shouldn't; i know things can't change.
I know i can't go back; but i'm still reminiscing the times.

My hands carrass the soft old fabric; i notice the proud orange spot at the corner of the fabric. I remember that it's a trophy of my success in art class. It's smiling brightly; it's vieing for my attention. My eyes shift to rest on the rest of the piece of blue colour shirt that used to be my uniform. And next to it, lying on the other side of the hanger, is a solemn-looking grey and gold tie. I know its very proud, really; it's just trying not to be so gaudy.
I remember the initial disdain; i remember disliking having to learn how to wear a tie. I remember the clumsy way i ironed my first shirt; i remember how i scowled at that grave-looking grey un-pleated skirt. At that time, i really just wanted to wear my old, old white uniform. I missed my white pleated skirt.

But now, how i long to wear it again. I would give anything to wear that uniform again. To set foot in that school; to sit in the canteen and idle the day away.


so i went back that day. with weiling. *smile*. The canteen is still the same. The amount of food they give you is still as pathetic as ever. The uncle still cocks one eyebrow and scowls unconsciously when i tell him, 'prawn, meepok, soup, chili'. The soup still tastes as good as ever. The serving is still one prawn, cut into two halves.
Miss chg still looks the same. her hair is as messy as ever. couldn't find yau and A tan though; we went too late.

I'm still regretting the things i did. I'm still regretting my not being able to accept qiu ping's apology, then neglecting her. I'm still regretting my taking qiu han for granted. I'm still regretting not being able to stand up for hui chiang against the disgusting classmates and smart alecs in class who used to gang up with our ss/geo teacher to saboh her. I still this bad aftertaste left in my mouth when other people mention her. And her class pets, susan, gwendoline, and ping aik. I'm still regretting having useless arguments with darell, then launching into cold war. I'm still regretting nearly making weiling cry, by being too blunt and insensitive.

Even though all this has passed; even though my friends have long forgiven me; even though they've let it fade into dust; i can't help looking back. I can't stop the regret.

I'm still wishing for time to turn back; so i can tell qiu ping i'm sorry, that im so bloody stupid that i forgot i lent her my textbook and got worried for nothing; that it didn't matter, and it wasn't her fault at all. Would have smiled, and said, gosh, im so blur. it's ok! .

So i can tell qiu han that i'm sorry, that shes what really matters to me, that i didn't like it when she had so many other people depending on her, because i really just wanted her for myself. Because i was just a really bad bloody bastard.

So that i can tell hui chiang i'm sorry, that those sickening classmates didn't matter, that disgusting teacher deserved no better. So that i could yell at that teacher, beat up those sickening classmates, tell them to leave my friend alone; tell them they're just a bunch of cowards.

So that i can tell Darell, hey, its ok. Cause we 're born loggerheads. I remember lin lao shi used to say, we woul make a great couple, had we not been both female. what a waste.

so i can tell weiling i'm sorry, so i can hug her and tell her its alright. so she won't be lonely; so she won't be sad.


I would never know how much pain i caused these people because of the mistake i made.
They would never know how glad i am that they are still my friends.
My best.
Then again, maybe they would. who knows.


I'm still glad i went there/ Im still glad hui chiang was the first person i met. My first friend.
Im still glad qiu han was the first person i approached.
I'm still glad qiu ping joined us. Im still glad the four of us are together. Im still glad. because of those times.
I'm still glad i chose to sit next to darell on the first day of sec 3.
I'm still glad weiling became our friend.
I'm still glad the 3 of us are together. I'm still glad. Because of those times.




I'm going to be glad when we 're old and still together.

i'm always turning behind, regretting making the wrong step, dwelling in those mistaken times.
i forgot that,
what matters really,

its now.

okay. so maybe it's not the first time i've been treated like this before. So i shouldn't have any problem getting over this. So how come i still felt tears welling in my eyes [literally, not figuratively, much to my horror] while i was standing outside the lift? How come i had to swallow it back, along with my pride and my 'face', which was bitterly humilated and massacred and left lying on the floor?

Trying to view this in an impartial and unbiased manner, i would say this is a problem with management. It's not for me to pinpoint any single person. but, Obviously you can't tell people to come for an interview at a lousy time, at an extremely god-forsaken place, have them waking up at ridiculous hours to prepare for it [taking into account the travel time and finding the damn place, and worrying about being late for the whole damn thing], then just tell them that,

oh? the position is closed.

me: *shocked, alarmed, flabbergasted*

person: you called on friday? No, we only had our interview on that day.

Me: *looks lost* But the person told me monday was fine...she told me to come on monday...

person: *looks annoyed* sorry the position is taken

me: .... never mind. *walks away*

i can't believe i just did that. just walked away. without an argument. without a fight.
just swallowed my bitterly trampled pride and walked away. The worst part was not even being able to make it for the interview because the person screwed my appointment time. it wouldn't have been such a pain if i went for the interview but didn't make the cut. At least there would have been no regrets.

And then i don't know what to do next. i really really want to hate the bookworm company an boycott their books [im never going to read a single story to my children, should i have any in future, and should the bookworm company not become bankrupt before i have children], badmouth them, spread bad rumours about them, go around telling people that their management sucks, blah blah...

then i realise fish and co is the same.
you go for the interview at the HQ, they say ok, they tell you to report to a store at a certain time and date, then you report at that time and date, and you re totally unexpected. then they tell you they re so busy they cant train you so they ask you to go home and come another day. and of course they say they ll call to arrange a date.

which never happens.



you feel like a fool because you ve wasted your time and effort. you feel like a fool because you ve wasted your bus trips and money. worst of all, you feel silly and stupid because your existence has been totally and completely ignored.

the only kind of sickening thing i can do now is ensure that, should i ever make it to the management level of any corporation, i should never ever let this kind of bad experience befall upon any of my potential employees.



Because, really, you wouldnt want it to happen to you.

Frmph. Maybe it's slightly ominous to start a post with an odd sounding pseudo-word. But it has always been my style to start my posts in a regularly-odd fashion. [And i DO know that i shouldn't start sentences with 'But...'. I learnt that in primary two.] So let me cut the crap and get into the main topic.

Apparently everyone at work thinks im happy 24/7. I'm ambivalent as to whether i should be extremely happy, or utterly depressed. Its mixed feelings, really.

The kitchen chef calls me 'kai-xin'. And i get the impression that the rest of the kitchen staff, [though mostly male with the exception of 1/2 of our dessert duo] have the impression that the name is very apt.

The kitchen uncle, who's in charge of carrying the dishes, asked me once.
How come you're always smiling?

Then today, one of the hotel managers, this rather young and handsome but only in the beng-ish way guy[hui chiang can't stand him because beng-ish guys are totally not her type. But i figure the fact that he has a head of dyed blondish-brown hair and has some missing teeth when he smiles is a rather large contributing factor that can explain her disdain towards him. aha. but that's another story altogether. =D], Jason, came up to me, smirked, and then asked me,

How come you're always so happy?


...
...
...
*exasperated sigh*
Honestly, i don't know. And i'm probably not. Not happy 24/7 anyway. Nobody can be, honestly. Maybe im just irritatingly sunny by nature. Maybe i just have this extra zest and optimism oozing in superabundance out from my body. Maybe i just have these grand ideals and suave thinkings. Of how we should help each other at work, of how 'thank you's are so important, of how we should never forget to credit each other, of how teamwork is key to speed and efficience.

and maybe i just don't give up so easily.
because i believe in people.

i remember this conversation i had with this guy. And i was telling him how i believe/believed/am going to believe in people. And he was scoffing at me, ridiculing me because to him, it was absurd to believe in such a fallible and mercurial being. Obviously he had/has/is going to still have some issues with trust between himself and other human beings.

Anyway i'm really not that happy all the time. I guess i just make it a habit [this is right, right? but it feels like i made a lousy attempt to spell hobbit. heh, watched too much LOTR] not to be very upset in front of other people because it can be really revealing and embarrassing [yay, i spelt it right] at the same time. Its like your emotions are revealed, naked, right in front for all and saunder to see. Its the same as sleeping without a blanket covering my body. I feel extremely vulnerable and naked. urgh.

in conclusion
1. im naturally irritatingly annoying cheerful and b*****[just typing that censored word killed some part of me. it shortened my lifespan, i swear]
2. when im NOT happy, i tend to keep to myself
3. therefore, people do not realise that, WAH, WENLIN CAN BE NOT-HAPPY LEI!

period. [by the way, did you know 'period' is a another name for 'fullstop'? so im
kind of repeating myself when i type 'period.' hhaha. its like '..'. lol.


i shall end before i get more irrelevant and so irrelevant that people will have to petition to change my blog name to 'irrelevance, the only thought process your's truly has', and go around advertising me as
'Wenlin, the Irrelevant'
embodiement of irrelevance at its finest. In full glory and grace. The epitome of irrelevance.

by the way.
im happy today. *smiles*