It's been ages since i went back. Ages since i embraced that nostalgic feeling full-fledgedly [if there IS such a word]...
I miss the times i had to wait for that sickening bus. The way it took forever for it to come. The way the bus smelt. The odd stench of the seats; the sense of insecurity surrounding me when i was on the bus. The whole rickety ride. The way the guys in the neighbouring school [yep, no need to think about it] acted, as if they thought they were very good-looking. The quiet mornings when i used to rush to take the earliest bus to school. The solitude as i strolled from the bus stop into school. The winding path leading towards the school that never seemed to end.

Every now and then, i open the closet. I know i shouldn't; i know things can't change.
I know i can't go back; but i'm still reminiscing the times.

My hands carrass the soft old fabric; i notice the proud orange spot at the corner of the fabric. I remember that it's a trophy of my success in art class. It's smiling brightly; it's vieing for my attention. My eyes shift to rest on the rest of the piece of blue colour shirt that used to be my uniform. And next to it, lying on the other side of the hanger, is a solemn-looking grey and gold tie. I know its very proud, really; it's just trying not to be so gaudy.
I remember the initial disdain; i remember disliking having to learn how to wear a tie. I remember the clumsy way i ironed my first shirt; i remember how i scowled at that grave-looking grey un-pleated skirt. At that time, i really just wanted to wear my old, old white uniform. I missed my white pleated skirt.

But now, how i long to wear it again. I would give anything to wear that uniform again. To set foot in that school; to sit in the canteen and idle the day away.


so i went back that day. with weiling. *smile*. The canteen is still the same. The amount of food they give you is still as pathetic as ever. The uncle still cocks one eyebrow and scowls unconsciously when i tell him, 'prawn, meepok, soup, chili'. The soup still tastes as good as ever. The serving is still one prawn, cut into two halves.
Miss chg still looks the same. her hair is as messy as ever. couldn't find yau and A tan though; we went too late.

I'm still regretting the things i did. I'm still regretting my not being able to accept qiu ping's apology, then neglecting her. I'm still regretting my taking qiu han for granted. I'm still regretting not being able to stand up for hui chiang against the disgusting classmates and smart alecs in class who used to gang up with our ss/geo teacher to saboh her. I still this bad aftertaste left in my mouth when other people mention her. And her class pets, susan, gwendoline, and ping aik. I'm still regretting having useless arguments with darell, then launching into cold war. I'm still regretting nearly making weiling cry, by being too blunt and insensitive.

Even though all this has passed; even though my friends have long forgiven me; even though they've let it fade into dust; i can't help looking back. I can't stop the regret.

I'm still wishing for time to turn back; so i can tell qiu ping i'm sorry, that im so bloody stupid that i forgot i lent her my textbook and got worried for nothing; that it didn't matter, and it wasn't her fault at all. Would have smiled, and said, gosh, im so blur. it's ok! .

So i can tell qiu han that i'm sorry, that shes what really matters to me, that i didn't like it when she had so many other people depending on her, because i really just wanted her for myself. Because i was just a really bad bloody bastard.

So that i can tell hui chiang i'm sorry, that those sickening classmates didn't matter, that disgusting teacher deserved no better. So that i could yell at that teacher, beat up those sickening classmates, tell them to leave my friend alone; tell them they're just a bunch of cowards.

So that i can tell Darell, hey, its ok. Cause we 're born loggerheads. I remember lin lao shi used to say, we woul make a great couple, had we not been both female. what a waste.

so i can tell weiling i'm sorry, so i can hug her and tell her its alright. so she won't be lonely; so she won't be sad.


I would never know how much pain i caused these people because of the mistake i made.
They would never know how glad i am that they are still my friends.
My best.
Then again, maybe they would. who knows.


I'm still glad i went there/ Im still glad hui chiang was the first person i met. My first friend.
Im still glad qiu han was the first person i approached.
I'm still glad qiu ping joined us. Im still glad the four of us are together. Im still glad. because of those times.
I'm still glad i chose to sit next to darell on the first day of sec 3.
I'm still glad weiling became our friend.
I'm still glad the 3 of us are together. I'm still glad. Because of those times.




I'm going to be glad when we 're old and still together.

i'm always turning behind, regretting making the wrong step, dwelling in those mistaken times.
i forgot that,
what matters really,

its now.