i just want to thank jie jing because that taxi ride home together was super assuring.

everything ended off badly.
maybe im superstitious, but everytime i realise it does, it happens on thursday.
then i remember a line from a certain book:
virgo: worst day of the week; thursday.

and everything seems to be better.
maybe thats my way of selfassurance.
because theres only one thursday per week; so thats 6 good days right?

...


im such a disgrace to myself.
i am weak, silly and useless.

i wish...

yesterday ended on such a wonderful note.
then everything started snowballing after i got back to hall from last practice yesterday.
yes, someone got into my room.
yes. because he/she realised the transponder was put inside boeys shoe. [i dont want to say why because it ll end up like im accusing but im really really really fucking pissed already]
it is also distressing to realise someone has stolen two sets of my clothes, complete with undergarments.

maybe its time to move to a single room.


and then the bad night's sleep [i dont want to say why, but its not because i had insomnia. so external reasons. i was totally prepared and wanting and in need of a good rest]

i cannot understand why people would want to do this to me.
am i so unlikeable? why is it that the person put the balloon hanging on the door handle on boey's table, but stole my clothes?
i really....

however distressing i still got up and walked to kr.
self encouragement works if you dont want to go back running to your friends or your mommy
sometimes i really feel like....

morning practice was like shit.
i could not remember the names of even 4 out of 9 of the kata styles we were taught yesterday/
i kept holding hani down. despite having came for yesterday's practice, i was still like shit.
damian sensei was so encouraging and assuring it made me feel even more unworthy of his teaching and even more insignificant.

then it was break time.
well spent, because i was trying to revise the names of the kata styles. at least i remembered 5.
thanks to weijun, jiawei, james and the others helping me revise.
sometimes i really think its so assuring to train with them.

afternoon practice was long.
we learn really superb moves [i doubt i will be able to put them to use anytime soon, looking at the state of my fumikomi, kikentai and tenouchi]
my motodachi was ck.
he was extremely assuring and helpful.
parry and james are also another extremely assuring motodachi.

i knew i feet hurt from last night
a good quote from jiawei was
'its mind over body'
the whole time it was

but apparently my mind did not get me far enough
because even though i managed to get up from my rest and kneel down to put on my bogu
i did not manage to make it past the first 20 minutes of the LAST FINAL PRACTICE.

it was just the basic fundamental ashi.
we were in two rows, with the senpais in front and us in the second row.
when it got to our turn and shermaine started to call for us to ashi
i tried very hard not to think at all.

apparently it wasnt enough, because my ashi was half the speed of everyone else's.
and it was very, very, very obvious.
then when i did the last men and ashi-ed slowly; i was trying to do it at my own speed so it would be straight and my left heel would not be out turned and not cross over
ting came to me and asked me if i was really ok.
i didnt know what to say.

that it was the last practice and if i dropped out i would feel bad to those who came for all 9 practices?
that i WANTED to be a part of those few who managed to 'mind over body' and persist through all the 9 practices?
that i did not want to be looked down upon because i dropped out?
that nobody would understand my foot because i understood that everyone had their own injuries and its normal that everyone thinks they're suffering the most, or more than others?

i just tried look down and nodded my head quickly.
i did the stupid ashi 3 more times. at half the speed of everyone elses.
the only thing i think was commendable was probably i tried to hold my ki ai until the end when i turned over/which was odd because it was a lot slower than everyone else.

i feel like shit because i was holding people up.

when ting asked the 3rd time, shermaine looked very angry. she said something like
dont want to rest and want to continue and sustain a serious injury is it?
i was very scared.

=(

i said no.
i went to the side and dropped out of practice.


i disappointed myself, my fellow friends and my seniors.
i stood there trying not to think about anything.
when the break came, some people were asking me why i dropped out.

i didnt say anything.

what should i have said?
what could i say？
what would have sufficed?
everything would have just seemed like an excuse.

jia wei asked me why i was not practising.
i said my sole hurt.
he said his hurt too. he told me to wrap it up.
i told him i wrapped it up since morning practice.
he said, then it shouldnt be so painful.
but it was still painful.
then he said, if you practise, then we dont have to do so many rounds of motodachi and kakarite practise.

what was i to say?

when everyone was queuing for practice, some people asked me if i was in the queue.
i just looked at the floor and shook my head.
when a senpai asked me why i wasnt practising i told her i had a foot injury.
she asked me to take care.

i felt tears swelling in my eyes.
i prayed they would not roll down.
i tried to look at somewhere far away.

i spent the practice watching everyone.
it was easy to spot mistakes.
mistakes that i myself am extremely prone to.

before the last part, sensei gave us a short break.
ck came over and asked if my foot was ok.
i felt very sad, because i was sure the wound on his foot was probably as bad if not worse than mine.

at the end everyone was feeling good. because they persisted and finished the kirikaeshi.
i felt like shit because i didnt not last even the first 20 mins of the practice after warm ups.



sensei gave a briefing after we evacuated the hall.
he asked us juniors jokingly,
are you still alive?
and he nudged my bogu gently

i felt ashamed.


after i took off my bandage
i realised my foot sole was bleeding.
i was like, shit.

its hard to imagine that i could ever be as strong as any one of the seniors.
but im not giving up.
at least not now.



i went back to hall to put jie jing and my bogu.
i was locked out.
i walked up and down the stairs looking for my transponder.
my foot hurt.
i made numerous phone calls.

i really felt like crying.
just going to a corner to cry and feel sorry for myself.
but thats not really my style.


finally i got my transponder.
i put the stuff in the room.
then i met jiejing at a1
he bought ice blended drinks
it was very, very, very assuring.

somehow, at that point of time,
everything seemed better.
even though i felt like crying while i walked down
when i saw him and he handed me the drink

everything seemed alright.






im feeling less like shit now because i ve typed exactly everything and how i ve felt.
now whats left is just to take a hot shower and forget these unhappy and demoralising things.
im sure i ll be able to do that.

considering im so naturally optimistic.
i dont want to give up.
but i just want to rest, for now.

meanwhile, i still feel like shit.