firstly. i want to say

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
*yell*

i am finally 18. crap. im not sure whether to be bloody happy or freaking sad about it. but im glad.
ambivalent is my new pet word. and plethora. it means in oversupply or superabundance. cool right?
*smirk*

i want to thank kairu jiewei kim hui hui youzhi tiong tiong ruixia lin xin joyce and so many peeps for ur msges :)
and weiling and darell : swensons tmr yeah? cool... my treat *smirk*
huichiang, qiu ping, thanks for being there... always.

qiu han : :) i know you ll never be tech sarvy enough to read this... but
i love you *hug*
you re the best thing that has happened/ is happening/ will happen to me.

its cool to be 18. but its sad to see time slip away.
and im thankfulf or all the things that have happened to me, big and small, important and not so significant
for my class, which i always complained about but has always been there for me,
my classmates, whom i have always had a awkward not quite there r/s with but have always encouraged me
my friends, you know who you are :)
my family....

im staring at the green blobs of lava floating in the lava lamp... thanks qiu han:)
thanks fanny and ying xiu for the biscuits
joyce :) your hamsters will live on, in our hearts...
and gf!!!! what would i be without you....

la dee dum.
i dont have much to say
it feels good to be alive. truly.

True to my nagging suspicions, I am unable to keep up my internet strike. Or boycott. Or whatever it is. out of my extremely pathetic and limited vocabulary, i guess thats all i could muster.


i actually spent a considerable amount of time questioning myself and whamming my chemistry notes against my lightly pimpled forehead wondering the point and purpose of my existence in this family, this school, this society, this country, this world, today. and of course i did not find a satisfactory answer.


do not start and tell me about what god has in store for me. i am not searching for the answer for my spiritiual existence, or religious existence, or whatever. so please dont start on it. im trying to answer questions i have for myself.


what do i want with my life? is this what i want with myself? with my life? with the rest of my life? is this what i want to do? im really not sure.
its one of those days you spend wondering and dreaming and questioning when you know with a sinking feeling you should be mugging your bloody ass off since the big As are approaching and you have less than 90 days left. or so i think. because i know if i dont mug like mad and do well i ll be bloody regretting it later when i see FFFF on my report card aka A level cert and wondering why i was wasting time wondering what i want with my life


so i decided to sit on the floor in oom-yoga position for a few secs and try to calm myself.
i sort of lapsed out of my usual daily 10 mins of yoga in the morning practice.
i mean, full-lotus is the easiest position but i found it super uncomfortable.
but as soon as the first minute passed, i started to feel at ease with myself. my body, my mind, and yes, my soul, if you believe humans have souls.


side tracking, i tried to recall the times when i was younger
and i realised i was a rather a considerate and dong3 shi4 kid. all the crappy presents my parents and relatives gave me. i mean, they were of sh*t nature if you were a bratty kid and all but to me it didnt matter since it was my birthday and i felt on top of the world.
i remember my dad liked/likes to give me winner-of-the-pulitzer-prize-or-winner-of-the-booker-prize-award-or-some-bloody-award-as-long-as-it-looks-chim-and-has-won-an-award-books. for secondary school. i dont think i even read the books properly once. i died halfway mostly, i should think. and i was/am sorry to disappoint him that i dont take after him in any way [nope, not his tall slightly muscular build, not his diligence and perseverance, not his scholarly traits] unless you count my double eyelids. yep. my double eyelids are so fine sometimes they cant really be seen. they come from him.


i guess i ve been rather disappointing as a daughter. i failed to succeed him in chinese history or literary writing or even love for chinese culture and everything related to him. an A2 for higher chinese at o level seemed mandatory. but it was difficult. i like chinese, but i failed it. not fail as it got an F but failed it as in disappointed the wondeful language. im just not bloody good enough, not good enough for him, or even for myself. not as good as i would have liked.


i really dont know what to do with my life sometimes.


out of point. as i was saying, i dont actually remember getting a birthday present that i actually wanted. ... no, i dont think so. it was always the aw-thats-so-sweet-of-you or the oh-its-really-cool-im-sure-it-ll-come-in-handy and give those appreciative looks. i really liked the idea that people bothered to get me sth, but in the end i was always a disappointed little kid because i was sad that nobody knew what i really wanted. or nobody cared.


it wasnt wanting something but craving for someone to know what i wanted without telling. the sort of excitement i held, mixed with apprehension and ambivelance as the big day drew near... but after 18 years of the same thing i can say safely that i know myself the best. of course. what had/have i been wishing for? its stupid to think that someone will actually know what i want and know how i think without me actually telling


it ll probably never happen.

i dont think my dad ever knew that i hated that barbie doll dressed in polka dotted dress with a matching plastic dog. i dont think he does, not even now anyway. i spent much of my early childhood playing with lego and other associated building toys but what i actually really wanted was one of those pretty barbie dolls with the lovely long gown and tiara. of course its not of much relevance to me now but at that point of time, it was what i really wanted. when i passed it by in the toy shop i would always look at it one moment longer, just linger there a while more.


but he never knew. *sigh* and when he gave me that barbie doll for my birthday, my first ever barbie doll, his smiled was so brilliant, so blissful that i didnt think i could bear to see him disappointed. so i tried very hard to look as if it was exactly what i wanted and nothing else in the world was better...
of course over time i got used to playing with it and actually started to grow fond of the thing. not bad.
its nothing much actually, just a barbie doll. but it meant a lot to me, at that time.


sigh. i wonder why i was such a freaking difficult kid.
and now im a freaking difficult teenager. or so my parents think. and i think so too. on a frequent basis.
and soon i ll be a freaking difficult adult.
looking forward to that.

im so bored. sigh.today marks the end of my legacy online both at wholivesnearyou and on msn messenger

hopefully, if i succeed, i wont be able to come back here till... my birthday, which is quite a while later.
wish me luck. online fast, tmr start

la la la.
i actually started writing again. for those who are interested, try my other blog. you know where.
for those full of disgust, good for you. why are you reading this then? i wonder why

sigh.

im bloody bored. its been sometime since i actually had a proper long conversation with someone
not the usual, whatcha doing online oh youre bored im bored too
crap, my brain is getting rusty. really bad. more inactivity spells the end of my 10 years of education down the drain...

quick. someone engage me in high order thinking conversation now.
i mean it.

i dont really like this feeling. its like, im supposed to be free but im tied down. you understand what i mean? i mean, officially theres nothing, but still theres like an invisible orpe tying me...

not that i really mind.. i like the feeling of it being there
like i belong
i feel like i actually belong... for once


not some weird wandering spirit, not some homeless unwanted stranger
for once i belong to


but i sort of crave the freedom
i imagine myself spinning around
or maybe its just the earth spinning
everything is moving so fast i cant tell if its me or the earth
but i scream and i yell and i close my eyes and i feel the wind playing with my hair and i see everything and everythings in a whirl and the world is a mess but its so beautiful


its a weird feeling
i get it seldom. sometimes lah.

its wonderful to be alive. and its wonderful to be me.
i was so bored i did a yahoo search on 'tan wenlin'
not bad. quite a few results. but mostly some people with the same name as me or the blogs of some people i know with links to me...


would i believe you if you lived in 1977 and i live in 2005 and we can communicate via a spoilt transmitter?
i always like to watch weird movies. point taken. ditto is rather good a movie actually, but i didnt like the ending because in the end
the girl lost everything
she never had anything
so i guess thats not losing anything right?


i wonder whats wrong with me. like i got one screw loose or what

i want to spin round and round and round until im so fast im moving so fast i cant think and all i feel all i am is the wind


im trying to look for the movie il mare. but its quite old. i cant believe these koreans let the bloody americans make a remake of it using SANDRA BULLOCK as the female lead. HELLO??? sandra bullock? she ll never have the same gentle brooding yet happy disposition that my sassy gf actress whatever her name is in korean i cant rmeber has. keanu reeves is ok as the male lead. he should be able to act as the melacholic male lead with a tinge of humour, mostly dark


crap. i think i should wake up. a mailbox that can carry letters past time? a transmitter that can allow people to talk through a hole in time?
what? so tomorrow when i check the mailbox there ll be some fello writing to me fromm 2010?


i wish that would happen. or at least sometime as exciting. or half as.


casshern is a good movie. i liked it a lot. i cant believe i bought the vcd just like that on impulse. but it was quite cool. but rather sad also. so sad i couldnt stop thinking about it even till bed time. sigh

charlie and the choc factory isnt that good. trust me. if you read the book, u d be slightly sad. oompa loompas arent supposed to look all the same. in the movie they re carbon copies of each other, not to mention they have choreographed dance moves and songs and its so bloody synchronised that it was rather revolting
that aside, depp was great. i mean, acting wise
the kids too. brilliant.


but maybe its just me. im always expecting too much out of life such that when the real thing comes i always get so bloody disappointed

update: currently fish count for no of fishes in my dads tank
big fat ZERO
at least that means no innocent lives to take.


sigh. i want to run away.

i ve come up a conclusion.


army makes guys girl-hungry. its true, come on, admit it. those of you fellas who havent gone through the gruelling experience of army life would immediately rebutt me and look as me as though you ve been slapped on the face
alas. wait till you re in it.


maybe its the physical stretch. maybe its the sweat and getting your ass kicked by whoever is above you or having to scrub the toilet n times where n is a number nearing infinity. or perhaps its just missing your moms cooking and remebering the times you could actually play dota online 24-7

or maybe you just feel sick of your fellow male species and crave for some soft, gentle, pretty comfort that happens to come in the form of a svelte figure, sensous voice, huge bambi eyes and long soft hair for you to toy with


of course im over generalising. i always am, anyway.
stereotyping is fun, since im an antistereotype
*smirk*


i dun think i ll ever crave a guy like they way these guys... urgh


i ve had enough of this. seriously i cant believe that i actually went through this foolish incredibly dumb stage of my sec one life believing that finding a soul mate online was earthly possible. looking back, all i have is shock and disgust
time passes and people grow up


but sometimes even though you thought you grew up
you re still the same.