3 words.

I suppose I am generally a forthright person, and to most people/in most situations, I freely speak my mind. but what most people do not know is that while I listen and divulge, sometimes (however despicable that may be), I end up divulging those superficial things, and withholding things/thoughts within me that are deemed most important/private/intimate-

a natural defense mechanism i suppose.

And when it comes to expressing my affection for someone, my approach has always been actions speak louder than words- perhaps partially because i strongly believe that the weight of actions far exceed the degree of seriousness of words, and partially because i don't know how?/was not brought up to know how to use words to openly express my affection for others-

a smile, a gentle hand squeeze, a trail of laughter, a quiet shuffle;

these are what i know, what i can do, what i have done-

words are difficult-

and in particular, those 3 words that can come so easily out of some people's mouths-

sometimes i even wonder if the L word exists-

aside from my mother who else can I proudly declare the the L word to?

but this feeling- these feelings, these emotions, these thoughts;

I don't know....

I suppose when the time is right when I find I can be more honest with my feelings,

perhaps then you would hear those 3 words.

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it's not that I'm understanding because I hope you can fulfil my unfulfilled dreams-

it's because I didn't fulfil my dreams,

so I must do whatever that is within my ability,

to help you fulfil yours.

because you are that important to me, and so are your dreams.

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i wish you can always be here,

i wish we can always be together,

i wish that we can always be happy,

but people/things/situations are so unpredictable?

and I have learnt/know I should learn not to expect, if anything at all-

perhaps one day you may tire of me,

perhaps one day we might grow apart,

perhaps one day our paths might diverge,

all these 'maybes' and 'perhaps' and 'whatifs' swirling around and still-

and still

why is it that with you,

why must this feeling of anticipation come back?

it scares me a little,

I think of the future more when I am with you.