'And they say it's only natural,
They say we're coming along just fine.
But I can't help thinking we grew up too fast,
And I know,

I know this won't last, a second longer than it has.'

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i am besotted with this song.

i am so sure i will play this song to death,

on the train, on the bus, in the office when no one is looking,

i will play it so many times i will be able to know the lyrics by heart,

i willsecretly hum and replay it in my head before i go to bed,

in my dreams, in my waking hours, in between empty spaces,

until i get bored, until i get tired,

until i no longer am feeling-

then i'll probably stop (for a while).

still, it's a beautiful song.

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It put me off a little when i spoke to Yap for the first time the other day online after a long time and she just assumed that i would most definitely be watching DP.

i don't know why i was miffed actually-

when there should be no reason for me to be?

but then again, what reason had she to assume that i'd be watching it?

mixed feelings i guess-

after 4 years of being a part of it, 2 tiring but exciting years doing all the saikang, slogging and doing all the background work that's seldom recognized, and another 2 pensive but fortunate years of being a part of the 2 best dances and 'basking in the limelight', i can't say for sure it won't bring tears to my eyes/a heart-wrenching feeling in my stomach if i had to sit through another.

the truth is-

the real reason why i have my reservations as to going for EH Dance productions this year, aside from the possibility of bumping into people i don't really want to see,

is that it would bring back all the memories-

all the memories would come flooding back.

good/bad, sad/happy, exhilarating/heart-wrenching, all the people, all the things, all the events associated with DP at that time, whether directly related or not, i am almost certain that they will overwhelm me, and paralysed with emotion, glued to my seat, watching fresh faces saying their lines on the stage, dance and perhaps try to outdo each other, the music humming in my ear but not really listening, i would start to tear uncontrollably,

(oh god crying in public must be my worst fear ever)

because i miss DP/hall so bad.

i can no longer spend the wee hours of the morning with my fellow dance mates pacing the dance studio, prancing from one end of the floor to the other practising turns and jetés, try to muster our might to remember however much of the choreo we can; i can no longer skip classes for bunk in and chit chat with all the girls in the female dancers' room, complete with pretty lights and make up tables; i can no longer run about the back stage in the chilly air-conditioning, take silly photos with the other girls, of us squashed up in the locker cupboards; i can no longer spend a good long evening holding down a 5ply and hum silently in my head while i work on it with the circular saw; get teased when i turn up for sets after training, carrying my full kendo armour and gear; almost doze off during those boring piecing sessions while waiting for set changes when we have to rush in and move in/out the props/sets, gossip about which dancer is no making the cut, which actor/actress forgot his lines-

these, all these,

and also, the other memories, those less fond-

happy or sad, all i can say is that there's nothing much to regret.

you can't have the best of it all, can you?

things always have to be a little bittersweet,

so you appreciate them a little more

the thing is, it is no longer my time, no longer our time-

it's time to let things go, to let the past remain the past,

there are other more important things in my life now,

other people who are significant to me,

other things that i must do,

because i no longer have anything to do with DP (anymore).

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a little taken aback when guimingwayne (alright i'll call him 'W' for short, there's no W so far right? besides myself, and since i don't mention myself in the 3rd person sense it's not an issue), or W described me as sophisticated, in the sense of not being the 'easy' kind of girl/woman/whatever.

it wasn't a positive or negative feeling;

i just never thought of myself as sophisticated before.

Sophisticated is a word i learnt in primary school that i had only known to associate with rich, well-kept young or middle-aged aristocratic (or at least aristocrat-like) women from older times who wore corsets and petticoats, and carried frilly umbrellas.

Sure, i can be a prick at times, and i have very strange tastes and funny things annoy/excite me, but sophisticated? Maybe it's because i have issues. unresolved ones.

Maybe that makes me sophisticated?

goodness knows what that word means.

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sometimes things are like an equation-

in a silly, strange, unmathematical way,

because things in real life don't really need to add up.

some people are a bit more generous/thoughtless,

if they give you six apples, it's okay even if you only have four.

some people are a bit more insecure/greedy-

if they give three apples, they'd want you to give them seven back.

if i give you five apples,

could/would you give me five apples back?

(but i wouldn't- i wouldn't give five apples first)

but if you gave me five apples first,

could/would i give you five apples back?

i don't know, actually-

do i have any apples to give?