the first lesson was about strength and openness, which is, basically, my (only?) strength actually. Being (or trying to be) strong. There is nothing difficult about it, just rough it out, stretch your limit, and be who i am basically. Never too difficult, be it in Kendo or Yoga.

But being strong is only the first step to all things in life. Because there is only so much you can be, so might weight you can (pretend to) hold on your shoulders- In the end it really all boils down to finding your centre, or your 'balance'.

Which is basically not what i am good at actually, be it in Kendo or Yoga.

In kendo it it crucial to maintain your centre when you are sparring with your opponent because gaining the centre is the first step to having the upper hand and scoring a point against your enemy. If you lose your centre, just a split second you're caught off balance, next thing you know you've lost your 'men' or 'kote' point, which is your head sliced in half or hand chopped off. It's that paramount.

In Yoga, as i've just only learn today, strength can only take you so far- because there are some positions that require a sense of balance or equilibrium that only you can adjust and find- and no amount of incredible arm or leg power can help you hold/find it.

i'll admit unabashedly that i'm not good at it-

being/holding my center.

there are so many things, so many people, so much to juggle in life, that more often that not i get throw off balance and lose sight of my goal, of my priorities, of my sense of self/being. And then it weighs me down, wears me out, and i plunge deep into the circle of maladaptive coping behaviour, which, though i know is maladaptive, i still resume anyway.

there's no reason but there's nothing rational about smoking or taking drugs-

you do these things because you just want to.

and then it repeats.

sometimes things get better, i cope like a normal human being, i feel like i could really finally be normal (again), then other days, things hit me harder,

and i know for sure i could never really be ok.

but it's like that- life.

i should start searching for myself again.

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what is a meaningful existence?

i find myself asking that question very often lately-

i feel it has nothing to do with religion, little to do with fickle and everchanging feelings;

i used to think it has something to do with human relationships, or how we contribute to each other and society (commitment?)

but now i find myself constantly wondering what does it mean really?

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i really love this song.

Let me see who you are
Don't try to hide the world that you belong
Let me see who you are
You're better off where you started from

I know it's where you want to go this time
I see you where you are
Don't fight
You're about to figure out it's fine