i was going to write about my foot but something happened and i know for sure i will wake up with swollen eyelids again tomorrow morning but i cannot help but write about this instead.

i don't know if it's just me (my problem)-

but since i grew older and became more mature on countless occasions i've made plans to shift out (of my house). I guess it's pretty normal if you're a caucasian ,european or even japanese adult, who's still staying with your parents when you're aged 35- but i've never harbored that ideal. To me, being adult meant/means staying alone, fending for yourself, providing for yourself (and giving allowance to parents) and of course, living outside (perhaps on your own).

it started when i was young. My mother used to tell us that when we grow up we should all leave the house and find out own place to stay, and she never really said why, so i just assumed it was a given, or the ideal to follow. So imagine my shock when my elder sister found a job and did not move out of the house. The first few weeks i just thought maybe she hadn't found a place yet so i didnt say anything. Then weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. And she's still staying with us now. I didn't ask my mother about this till much, much later, after i'd really become more adult and realised that probably she was/is a special case.

The real reason why i've always wanted to shift out was become i couldn't/can't really get along with my father. It's not that i'm an unfilial daughter, or that he's a rotten dad- it's just that simply we can't seem to connect- or really talk for that matter.

He likes to say that i always challenge him, and always want to reason and rationalize things with him- but that's what i do/what i am like, actually. i reason. what is reasonable, what is not. what is logical, what is not. what is correct, what is not. Because i have such a strong sense of justice/wanting fairness- i am constantly arguing for what is reasonable and correct, and challenging what i find irrational and unreasonable.

But that's not what he wants. He wants a daughter who doesn't challenge, who does and listens obediently, who knows her place. And this is what he calls respect. He wants this respect. That's where problem lies- we define respect rather differently. For my dad- i dont know if i can attribute it to him belonging to an older generation of people or not, maybe it's just his personality; this respect has to be unconditional. Like the unconditional love that you('re supposed to) give family members.

I respect my dad a lot. In fact, i used to have a close friend in secondary school who used to think that i respect/idolize him so much i treat him like a god in the sense that i have to offer 3 joss sticks of incense or something. Strange but that was how she described it. There is no way i can put across how amazing/awesome my dad is- in terms of literary talent, knowledge, education, conversation (general kind, not the kind between me and him) etc. He's just a really awesome person.

But to me respect is not even when something is unreasonable or wrong or irrational that i just keep mum and/or ignore it because it's my dad.

and thus the quarrel.

of which some very hurtful words/phrases were exchanged-

but/and it further reinforced my desire to want to live outside on my own.

To be honest, when i was in the beginning phase of job searching it was almost as if i was desperately searching for a job that could put me overseas. I didn't really know why- i just thought that maybe i liked the idea of going somewhere else for a change, to meet new people, go to new places, see new things. Truth is, i just needed a reason to leave.

my mom used to say that actually my dad is a really lonely person, and that he fears us getting married and leaving the house. And (secretly) I've always known it. even if my mother didn't say it. i know it makes me different; different from my other siblings. Sometimes i think it's because i'm like him- in many ways: i'm lonely/i feel lonely easily; sometimes i don't know how to love/show care/concern for someone even though i love the person/i like to keep to myself sometimes. I'd approach him at his desk, and sit down next to him and look at what he was doing; talk to him and ask him about work. Once i'd asked my sister why she wasn't talking to dad, and this was the annoyed reply she gave:

' that's what you do, not me'.

But (because of)knowing that my dad has certain ideals and trying to reach those ideals but being unable to- it causes/caused immense inner conflict and cognitive dissonance. My dad always had a vision/hope of all 5 of us living a wholesome and happy family life, because he really emphasizes family a lot (because i guess my granddad never provided much for him), and of course he hoped/hopes that the relationship between the 3 of us will always be fantastic and good- we're sisters afterall. That's what i've always been struggling to achieve- trying to bridge that wall between the 2 of them. They just don't talk. they don't even (really) acknowledge each other('s existence). I've talked to my mother countless times about it but we've always reached no conclusion. she always tells me, 'there's only so much you can do as a sister. Just do what you can; she's neither your daughter nor your son, you shouldn't be obliged to look after her all the time.'

going back to the main issue-

My younger sis and my dad can live together because my younger sis just ignores him. which is horrible in my opinion, but who am i to say? Sometimes i think that it's because she's seen how my elder sister and how i react- so she chose to take a different 3rd approach- ignore and avoid.

My elder sis and my dad can live together because they barely talk. She's out till late most of the time due to church and other things- which could be a good thing since less contact less chance of conflict, right?

but for me both approaches wouldn't work.

because i am, after all, me.

in the end i guess there's just no conclusion.

I don't even know why i'm writing this anyway- to make myself feel better?

which i do, actually, because my tears and mucus have just about dried up nicely by the time i type till here. I'm not writing to say that i'm wrong, or that he's wrong, or that i'm unreasonable, or that he's horrible, because it's not like if i told anyone i'd give an accurate picture of the story and even from to the people who are actually involved, different perspectives can lead to diverse interpretations of the same event anyway- and most of all i don't want to be unfair to my dad,

because i love my dad, and he is a good person-

but we just can't seem to get along, and that's quite horrible.

and so i guess if maybe there's a conclusion of any sort,

i'll be shifting out sooner than i thought.