reconnecting.

it's just... so tiring.

it was just a really simple thing but-

(it had to become) the worst possible thing ever.

just 30 minutes and in my mind i was already thinking: 'why the hell am i here i could have stayed home and had dinner with my parents, done my readings, or watched some tv'

for some random reason, (you) put together a bunch of random people- who probably don't even care about each other, and you don't even know if the person you're doing this/it for would really like it. and then in the end, people are just staying in their own comfort zones, Being surrounded by faces you know, talking in their little circles, doin' their own thing-

[sometimes] it just makes/made me feel so sick-

i just feel/felt like crawling secretly to the side and quietly making my exit-

it's fine really, becayse some people you just know but will never speak to for the rest of your life, but what's worse is

not knowing someone you used to know-

it's just the worst thing ever.

is it that-

you leave hall and your hall friends no longer cease to be?

rag concludes and the rag companions no longer matter?

dp ends and your fellow dancers no longer exist?

our lives are full of constant stops, changes, projects, dynamics-

we are meeting leaving seeing new/old people all the time-

everyone is busy-

the question really is,

does my existence matter to you, or not?

if not,

then k thanks bye (forever).

---------------------------------------------------------------

bloody facebook.

the only reason why i came back to facebook is cause of mel really,

and then after that to connect with people i thought/think really matter to me-

[and i thought i'd be ready/ok for it again]

but really i'm having second thoughts.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A does something and then immediately i am reminded of B, because B does it all the time,

and i refuse to cooperate, and A wonders why, and i say that that's too B-like, and A wonders if it's really B doing it all the time, or just doing it to me-

and i cannot help but feel disgusted with/question myself for thinking that way.

---------------------------------------------------------------

today miss hah said we could come up with a pact about us going to iceland together because i told her that going to iceland is my childhood dream.

and then i remembered the

'ok keep in touch'

'yeah i'll sms you'

it wasn't anyone in particular, or any incident in particular but i cannot help but thin-

don't promise something that you cannot/will out set out to fulfill-

don't say things so easily-

because it's just not like buying vegetables at the market.

---------------------------------------------------------------

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

'why am i so affected?'

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

i am ok i am ok i am ok i am ok

they say that if you say something frequent enough it will eventually become true.

---------------------------------------------------------------

i asked myself why this is a blog without any avenue for people to let me know what/how they think about what i'm writing/thinking,

and why this is a blog without any avenue for me to know those who actually read these things

and i realised it's not that i don't care in general or i don't care if people care or people don't care if i can but i guess it's beyond my control and also that even if i did know i guess it wouldn't make a difference and thus maybe it doesn't really matter.

this is just a lot of self-introspection.

that's a tautology. damn.