i guess in the end all i really wanted was closure.

when relationships with people move beyond your control, you feel this overwhelming sadness because you know no matter how many times you play back in your mind the scenes that happened, no matter how many times you 'undo' the things you said or did, (or didn't say or do), it's just not gonna help at all.

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me: sometimes i just don't know how to mend broken relationships with people, you know?

nono: ... apologise. that's the first step.

me: (but i already did- but i didnt tell nono) but things will never go back to the way they were...

nono: that's too bad i guess...

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and then i talked to O.

for forever it was since forever since O told me he could not and did not want to talk to me.

and for (it must have seemed to me) forever i did not know how to approach this matter except exceedingly cautiously and delicately- which (via my method) was just to not approach him.

but i really fear that 30 years down the road, when i see O randomly on the street, i cannot even open my mouth to say hello.

so i did it. i said hello. i asked if he was doing well. i asked about school. i asked about work. i asked about a load of things. (and threw my pride down the rubbish along with my unfinished dinner). and then for eons (it must have seemed) he did not reply, and i thought

'oh shit. this is it. =( ...'

and then he said,

'i'm fine. how r u?'

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in the end i just wanted closure.

i just didn't want this to add to the list of

'small but significant things i regret not doing' when i die.

which could well be tomorrow (i could be buying a coffee at starbucks when suddenly i get drowned by the flood at orchard road- knowing i cannot swim for more than 3 and 1/2 strokes)

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things aren't and cannot be as before.

but at least they're ok now.

i'm ok!

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hullo,

friend you back!