today it dawned upon me [if not for the nth time in my life already],

that a really fantastic dance isn't really about awesome solos or all those 3-people parts;

but really, if you're a kick-ass choreo,

everyone dancing your dance looks about the same,

cause you taught/choreo-ed the steps so well,

everyone is picking up/following through fully,

so everything looks so neat, so tidy, so in place;

there's nobody doing something different at the side, nor anyone being a step faster than the other.

and sadly though admittedly i am very much in love with aiting's style of choreography, and with the dance/music she chose/did last year,

this, all this above [that i just realised],

i cannot say for her.

at least not for her dance this year.

how are you supposed to handle the feeling of insecurity/anxiety that you're thrown in when she suddenly changes steps/songs at her fancy; the way she does the steps [which she might say 'not nice' and change again later] once and expects you to magically remember and follow through perfectly afterwards; the way she expects you to know your blocking, when you come in, when to exit, when she isn't even sure of it herself [and this is for the first time? when she's telling you where to stand, exit etc], and her putting her dance slots at a timing that people have classes [which isn't her fault since she's working i guess-] and then making no effort in helping/filling in those who had valid reasons for being absent about the changes [if you don't ask/learn on your own, even if you do the old steps/wrong steps she doesn't seem to care/notice?]

and lastly,

the feeling of being the calefare in the dance.

i know she likes using solos, and really from the beginning of this semester, from the first dance session, i already saw jie lin as the equivalent of alison already [and samantha as the equivalent of hsinyi/claudine, depending on how you look at it], so it came as no surprise when she threw loads of solo/small group parts at them,

but the way she treats the rest of us when she's thinking of stuff to give us to do/dance is really....

like we're calefares.

they do their nice own thing, and then we go in la dee dum, you know, just for the sake of it, and we do some stuff together, then we exit, and they solo again! smashing!

if you like solos,

why not just choreograph the whole dance full of solos, or small groups, with the requirement being that those in the dance must have ballet background or something?

the rest of us are trying very hard to keep up with her style of teaching [if it can be considered teaching, honestly], but to expect us to have the learning ability of jie lin is pushing it.

i meant to be more subtle, more discreet, more.... indirect.

but i really cannot contain my unhappiness at the cumulation of events that has happened since the beginning of being in her dance this year...

it's really never gotten so bad [till i even contemplated dropping out of the dance, which i am only deciding against out of moral obligation because it's so late into nearing-DP already and it would spoil the 'mass dance' blockings if i really did....]

okay i cannot deal with all this.

need some sugar in my blood. goodbye.