frustration clearly got the better of me today.

when you feel tears rolling in the corner of your eyes threatening to come out you just suck in a deep breath and thank god you're wearing your men cause nobody can see you are just fucking sick and tired and jaded and feeling weary and frustrated and disappointed and

you know there's some breaking point, and once you hit it you just cant control,

and emotions get the better of you, and everything, and you lose it. totally.

you've lost the battle.

cause kendo,

actually,

really,

essentially,

eventually,

is all about control.

bogu training. okay, biased as i was but when i looked at the attendance/lineup for bogu training i kept telling myself things will be fine but deep inside i felt like i shouldn't expect too much.

low spirit. fine, i know the weather is hot, and everyone's feeling sick and bleary and stuff, but HELLO? like suresh sensei is leading us, isn't it basic courtesy? and he's a visitor goddamnit! if peter sensei were here he'd just fuck all of us and we'd just be thrown out of the dojo and told never to come back.where the fuck did the spirit and ki-ai go? like ..................>___________<>

people dropping out of training/not coming and then coming and not coming and coming.

fine, if you're not feeling well, then don't train. if you selfishly wanna train, then hell stick and stay through it, not drop out and join in later and disrupt the tempo of the training people. really freaking selfish. and people who come occasionally for training. i dont have a spectacular attendance record myself, but at least when i come i try to be alert and find out what is happening. what really pisses me off is if you don't come, aren't alert, don't know what is happening, and waste your training partner's time. like seriously. fucking, annoying. it's like fine if your own standard sucks, at least when you're being the motodachi/practice partner for other people, FIND OUT WHAT TO DO. and do it right.

how can you improve if you're practising constantly with a motodachi that doesn't know what to do/can't do it properly?

and how difficult can it be to listen to instructions and follow or present the target then shift aside quickly?

like hello are you even awake?

if you're not, just go home and sleep and not waste other people's time man, seriously.

last of all,

hitting the target.

when juniors ask me, 'is it painful when they hit your head?'

i would really, really, really, really like to tell them, with a smile, 'oh, it doesn't, not at all'

but today people just hit the targets/cut with no tenouchi at all, and it was fucking painful!!!!!

in my mind i was like saying fuckfuckfuckfuck every time it was my turn to be the motodachi and i had to rub my head crazily like a madwoman once i took off my men.

yes, suresh sensei said that the cuts did not have enough impact, but it doesnt mean you just blunger your practice partner and use the brute force from your right arm to overkill. hello, i still want to graduate from nus. hello, like what about the things that sensei taught us? what about tenouchi? where is your control? LIKE, HELLO? i give you face only, that's why i continue opening the target for you. if i dont want to give you face i will just shift away the target or counter your attack and the shinai will just fall to the ground/posture will break cause there is zero control.

so after being the hitting dummy for around 2 hours,

frustration got the better of me, and i let it ALL OUT when i keikoed with suresh.

lost it.

totally.

i don't think i've ever been so pissed during training [for a damn long time, at least, not that i can remember] and so disappointed/jaded with the kai in general, and myself, for not being able to bring up the spirit of the kai and losing control/getting lost in the midst of everything myself.

i even lost it when wenhao said i was giving him the annoyed face [how do you expect me not to when you always annoy me/not talk to me properly like how to talk to other people? like what's your problem, do you have an issue with me? like hello? you picked on me first!] i just turned around, gave him the face and,

right in his face,

i spat : 'it's just you! you know what, IT'S JUST YOU!'

lost it. totally.

today is not a good day.

i know i said sometimes you feel like grub,

well, today i really felt like shit.