i think i kind of blew it cause i was really tired/stressed/irritated there were STILL more rocks to paint [they're corals really]. and i just kind of brushed off soohf for no reason really but i just needed to quickly get the work done and i really had no time to talk or whatever and my brain wasn't working anymore and i was freaking tired i haven't slept! i have no energy to tell char siew bao jokes or entertain people today; i didn't get enough/any sleep; i want to kill already.
the truth is i think i was really kind of pissed at the way things were;
how joon kit could simply assign the whole landscape [which is actually fucking important! and absolutely nothing was done before we came back from solo;] for hong jin to design and take charge; how lau hong jin could simply just accept [rather happily/proudly/meekly, i really dont know what] having to take liability/responsibility for doing it in such a time frame, and also worry for the raggers ['it's loh joon kit eh, you don't care for him meh? and look, don't you feel worried that they can't finish?]
worst of all,
how i could just give in when joon kit does that indirect pleading thing combined with hong jin's 'i know wenlin is zai one lah' and then suddenly i'm in charge of deciding the colours of ALL the rocks and also painting ever single one of them and those group of happy islands, which are not small, for your info.
i mean, i'm totally not angry with having to paint it.
no really, painting is something i'm [supposedly, according to n people who keep saying so, despite how i beg to differ] good at, and somewhat enjoy/prefer to do, so i really don't mind.
but helping is help.
there are limits/there is a limit
otherwise it's really spoiling them!!!!!
if im in the foyer my paint jobs will just load up super quickly [and i haven't even finished the rocks yet]. it's really not good to give them the impression that the seniors will always be there for them to fall back on, or to give some last minute back up!!!!
and i'm really not the only single freaking person who is so-called godly in terms of painting skills [ i bet 50 dollars at least 2 people in the rag team can do gradient and whatever blending shit as well if not better than me, with good sense]
okay i get it you want supposedly the best person for the job yah? but what's wrong with having the second best? is the best person always going to be there? are you always going to assume the best person is going to be there?
the mentality is really the problem here.
the same time i want to help them [as an ex-ragger myself]
the same time i hate the ideal of nuturing overreliance
there's a reason why i didn't choose to do rag this year.
because i like/want to have the freedom of being a helper;
come as and when you like, come as and when you're free;
help with whatever you're able to do, help with what you can do;
do mundane/brainless things, and not need to take responsibility/liability.
and of course, to be able to still be a part of and help rag/my rag juniors make their float.
the most fucking frustrating thing is i already said i dont want to be involved in any decision-making that will directly affect the outcome [victory or defeat]
it's not our rag anymore;
it's not our float anymore;
it's not our time anymore;
it's not our business/for us to worry anymore
whether they can fucking finish or not, whether they win or not,
whether they are nua or not, whether they have a sense of urgency or not,
of course as a friend and ex-ragger i would like them to win, and hope for the best,
and do the best in my ability as a helper to help them/do whatever i can
but,
it's not our rag anymore.
so fucking stop it!!!!
sigh.
i'm really tired.
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