i told weiling today,

somedays,

you feel fantastic,

you look amazing,

you are outstanding,

everyone loves/looks at you

and you shine,

because everybody wants you.

somedays,

you feel like shit,

you look like grub,

you are unamazing,

nobody cares/loves you

and you hide,

because nobody wants you.

[today i felt like grub,

i bet i looked [like] shit,

and i just wanted to get the day over and done with.

-------------------------------------

swamped by questions of

'why are you vegetarian'

and

'since when? how come i don't know?'

and then dozens of people trying to dissuade me from continuing/skeptical of how long/why i should continue. makes me feel quite passive/detached actually. i don't really care.

well, because you either don't care/can't be bothered/we're not close/we're not that close/do i even know you/i couldn't be bothered to tell you/it doesn't matter much to you/me i didn't think it would make a difference if i said/it's no big deal anyway.

for the why question

honestly speaking i don't really give a shit about the environment except for not stepping on grass patches and consciously bringing enviro sacks/paper bags/reuseable cloth bags to contain my groceries and other stuff like recycling/reusing washing water to flush the toilet or stuff because my mother kind of ingrained it into me [she's amazing really, when it comes to the environment. oh, and all things else too.]

i don't really give a shit about anything else, much.

yes, i know we were made to be/evolved in an adaptive manner to become omnivores and there IS a biological reason why we should remain so, for our own good,

but i chose to do it for a lot of reasons, primary of which i cannot and will not tell anyone and anybody, but it [being vegetarian] seems to be working well and i am quite happy about it.

no matter what i did/have done, it has not been able to solve the problem, so far, but being vegetarian may well prove to be the solution to it, so, though its not the solution, [i think,i know] but it's a means to an ends, so just do it.

the secondary reason is [surprise surprise] not that i want to lose weight, but rather i am unhappy about my weight/power ratio for kendo. because of my physique, i feel i can be better/faster if i am vegetarian, and though i can't say for sure, i feel at least, it seems to be working/the effects are showing.

and then conveniently if i eat less meat there is less carbon production and i am helping the environment and also these poor animals and also that being vegetarian has other benefits like what mr gui ming wayne said that his sweat doesn't smell so bad, his poo doesn't smell so bad, ecetera.

nobody can change my mind once i decide it,

so why not don't try to dissuade me.

except for weiling, so far, and maybe darell,

who have been really supportive

[going to the extent of trying to find nice vegetarian food so we can eat together]

everyone else is really.....

that being aside,

i'm actually quite happy i am not at all tempted by the sight of meat.

but i do admit i AM eating less/more slowly cause i only like some vegetables....

and it's eat to live,

not live to eat, anymore.

but i know it will be/it is worth it.

i don't know if its in remission or what, but

at least the problem is solved, for now.

i did it, finally.

sigh.

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somehow the time after kendo training is always like timeout for me.

i lose track of people's conversation[s], lose interest in my food [sitting in front of me], get sick of my drink, and then start to zone out and feel really....

jaded.

the training might have been good; i might have done some nice cuts, did a reasonable keiko, performed at my usual if not better standard,

but still

the moments in between

this weird thing starts to seep inside

and then i can feel it

slowly

eating

away

at me.

just want to get away from the food,

from the people,

sit alone and do nothing.

just want to go,

away./

-------------------------------------------------

did i break your heart?

i dont know i can't tell.

but why are you avoiding me?

but are you avoiding me?

yes you are;

i know it;

i feel it;

it's not the same [anymore]

if i know the reason;

it's not like i can do anything to change it;

but i miss it;

talking to you, eating with you

because you are someone i can trust

some one i trust, stupidly,

to an insane/unreasonable extent;

even if i don't love you,

i am, incredibly fond of you;

because it's not the same without you around;

not the same, not the same.

and it makes me sad

because maybe i depended on you too much

told you too many things [did it break your heart?]

i didn't realise it.... and i thought i was thinking too much,

brushed it off, thought nothing of it,

and then

we don't talk anymore.

------------------------------

sometimes you feel that there's nothing you can do

and there's no one you can talk to.

and nobody can change it.