cognitive dissonance.

日本語で：「認識不協和」

when you think something of someone but see the person's actions speaking differently from what you thought earlier of the person, it hurts.

it's also the feeling of discomfort/inadequacy when, for example, someone praises or compliments you for a virtue/value you have e.g. 'you're so pretty' when you know inside that it's not true.

in very simple english, 

it's also the same as, 

'i have issues.'

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'bulimics will always be envious of anorexics the way nobody else can understand because they can resist the temptation[food] that bulimics will never ever be able to say no to, and because anorexics see no problem in their state of being, they will live without the guilt and regret that bulimics carry with them for the rest of them lives and also along with the puke that comes out when they stick their fingers into their throat in the toilet.'

true?

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i admit,

all i really wanted was to take a photo together.

but i just couldn't bring myself to open my mouth to ask.

now it's all over, and we no longer have anything in common.

too bad,

but i know it's all good; all for the better.

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'you're quite talented at dance; should have joined dance earlier lah!'

i really wonder if it would have made a difference.

if i actually had dared to have gone for the dance auditions when i was in year one.

if i managed to resolve the issues within me [which remain unresolved despite having done all this] and gone bravely to do whatever i wanted, be it under the scrutiny of other

whether it would have changed who i was/am

the people i hang out with, the person i had/have become etc.

sometimes i wish there were a parallel universe i could look into,

to see what it would have been like if i had remembered/forgotten/chosen otherwise.

not that i regret/regretted the decisions/current state i am in now, because i know these are irreversible changes and there's really no turning back and there shouldn't be; but i'm just really curious sometimes; what it would have been like. 

would it have made a difference?

or am i still,

me?

or maybe in the end, the question should be,

who exactly, is me?