'sit down and spill your heart, let's start from the very start'.
'shut up, bleeding heart'.





for some peculiar reason this has been stuck in my head for the past few days.
not very apt, considering it's some caption for a selling post from some famous lj shop.

then again, i just felt like.... it epitomizes the state of things, here, now, then.


nothing much these days, except for the dreary 2-3am slots where i'm half dead struggling not to fall asleep and the pencil in my hand keeps dropping and spoiling my sketches... i guess my body kind of became stronger... i still remember yelping 'TANWENLIN WAKE UP!!!!' in a rather desperate attempt to keep myself snazzy this exact time last year... only last year in my hand i was gripping a borsch electric screwdriver, not a pencil.

how things have changed.
people, situations, me.

come to think of it, it's been 2 years since i've know gui ming wayne.
from orientation, to dp sets, to rag, to dp sets again, and then to rag again.
it's been a long time, eh? brother.

i wish life would be kinder to him.
and things would be easier.

alright, so no more emo talk.
i'm quite excited about being a rag designer this year. the prospect of having to work with dancers and sewing machines is daunting but being able to work with designs and fabrics is like my secret dream [secret no more.] and so far the choreos have been totally nice, like wong rachel was the one who came up with our theme [kind of] and aprine is so pretty and nice and her voice is so sweet and cute!!! it's not abnormal if you know me; i can't stop gushing about her... but i do think that she and kar fai make a great match.

tony hartono wijaya [can't spell] insists i blush everytime i talk about her.
i disagree.
maybe sometimes, lah.

anyway, so it's been pretty nice this year.


for training, things have been okay so far i guess.
i feel kind of enlightened after jesse's session the other day. like my kamae feels stronger, more sturdy and firm. but well, that's for the senseis to judge, it's just my feeling.





i went to brasbrasah and bugis yesterday.
i tell you, i totally wanted to get every single book [almost] off the rack at basheer graphics store. die. all the graphic/illustration/technique/sourcebooks were so nice! die. now i remember why i decided not to pursue art; because it's insanely expensive! the art materials, the course, the coursebooks, the nature of it...

maybe sometime later.
like if i strike lottery. or marry a rich husband [when i no longer feel amoeba-like]
or something.

well.



it's raining,
gah.

im updating because of kitt senpai.
she asked me to, so here i am.

nothing much lately, spending a lot of my time browsing lj shops when i'm not doing kendo stuff, settling admin, doing rag, yadayada.





oke is back in indonesia, sabah in sabah [soon to be australia]so all my lame postoffice buddies have left me alone standing outside posting parcels in good weather.
if you don't get it, it's absolutely normal, we're so lame it's reached the extent that i think we are getting invincible.

i can't help it sometimes but feel stoned.



somehow i've always felt that blog posts only exist when they need to; they should be fueled by inspiration, not some mindless ranting, or mundane complaining. and it seems like as of now i have simply no inspiration whatsoever for a blog post.

重いから、疲れました。
子持ち悪い。

強く成りたい。
強くなりたい。



that's the only notion that's been sitting in my mind.
whatever the case,

hello wenlin,
the holidays are over.

somehow i feel younger now after coming back.



a couple of pounds more in my carry bag, a couple of bruises and blueblacks more on my legs, a couple of pimples and tanlines more on my face and body, a couple of more impressive lame jokes added to my stocklist, and a couple of friends added to my inventory.

lame games, white-water rafting, caving, climbing, group bonding activities [minus glue and tape] aside, essentially it was a get-to-together session for everyone from different sports groups and martial arts groups.

no pictures yet because i'm lazy to upload; so many people were trigger happy and snapped so many photos i just felt this intense inertia stopping me from whipping my camera from my bag. and i have a feeling that n number of people will upload n x n = n number of photos onto facebook, which i have newly joined as a result of peer pressure [where n is an integer -----------> infinity. this explains why nxn would be close to infinity as well.]

i'm really glad taicho told me and nono to go for the trip, despite having to miss shuey doey's birthday, and the kendo bbq and chalet. the packing, rush, trouble and all were definitely worth it.

i'm really glad i managed to break some invisible barriers that i had long established for myself, got to know a few people better, and had a great deal of fun.

the trigger-happy photo snapping while i was offguard, the daily postoffice-goodweather lame jokes attack, the debana kotes, nidan wazas and uchikomi men cuts aside, i'm really glad sabah was sitting next to me the whole while, on the bus, because even if he wasn't doing anything, his presence was entirely assuring.






end of the day,
the conclusion i have come up with is,

being a little more thick-skinned pays off way lot more than you can imagine.

okay, so now for some important matters that have been clogging up my email and my brain: kendo committee handover matters, the upcoming matric fair, eastwest tournament, the first training after handover, rag design, learning how to sew [kill me please], grading, etc.

then after that of course there's the welcome session, rag itself, school starting, the kendo welcome session, more tournaments, ihg, dance production, eusoff choir, more kendo practice, etc.


this coming semester looks like it's surely gonna be loads of fun.
hell, yeah.


and did i tell you?
i think my hair is growing back.
stupid ming wayne shaved his head!
how unoriginal xia, after this cb father vijay liew, who is [as his facebook status shows, vacationing in europe] and i have shaved on separate occasions 2 days apart this exact period last year.

maybe it'll set a trend for all raggers to follow;
at least one botak every eusoff rag.

i don't get what you're trying to do.
i feel like asking you outright,

but if it really is what i'm guessing it is,

im not sure my heart can take it.







why can't people be honest and outright with who they are, what they want, where they're going?

it's too late, too long, too tiring.

maybe i left my heart waiting
when i decided it was enough and moved along
because it seems like i have no feeling
----------------------------------------------

i want a holiday.
qiuhan told me when i called her the other day.
she said,
i want to go somewhere where there's only mountains, water and grass.

i laughed at her incredibly simple but silly sounding wish.
but in my heart,
i think i was laughing at myself,
and the absurdity of all this, all of you, all of them, all of us.



i want to escape; sneak away; steal away
be irresponsible, be insane, be selfish, be self-indulgent,
just for a little, just for a while,
i don't ask for much,

maybe just a quiet place,
a small space,
to take a short nap or two,
and the hope that when i wake up,

it won't be you i'll have to face,
or this,
this endless waiting.

it's a dirty feeling.


like a smudge that won't be cleaned off; a spot that can't be rubbed off,
a smear that lasts forever on your dirty car window.

it disgusts me, revolts me, draws me, repels me, amazes me.



how can people be so superficial?

i guess they just are.
---------------------------------------

i can't help but try to guess what she's thinking.
what was she thinking when she said that to me?

a dozen things maybe.

she scares me, sometimes.
i think, i really don't know her.

---------------------------------------

exams are finally over, and i simply spend a day wasting away eating nice food, wearing nice clothes, going to nice shops, looking at nice things, have a nice time with my good friends. of course my friends are nice.

it was a nice feeling.

when today ends, which is in 28 minutes approximately,

goodbye,
and hello again, life.




there are a dozen things i have to do.
and only so much time.

in his words, again,

too bad, that's life.