since mr lau hong talked to me about this, after i had my fill eating hari raya goodies and mee rubus at mr gui's house prepared lovingly by his mother-in-law and his dearly beloved wife, aka mrs shariza bte shari GUI, and since im in a rather good mood [not sure why anyway],

let me talk about this.

i'm a little annoyed at the condescending way soohf replied when i told her that loh joon kit has a blog. about rag. maybe it's cause she was busy with citations or stuff for her EW, but sometimes the way she's overly jaded about things, whether it's rag, or it's dp sets, pisses me off a little. it's not like she's been doing them for ages and not been appreciated or something. i don't know why she has to sound like she wants to flush them down the toilet, or that she is 100000000% sure she will NEVER EVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.

cause i, for one thing,
can't,

i can't say,
'i will NEVER EVER DO RAG AGAIN.'
i can't give that promise, or break that promise, for that matter.

like it's all beyond her, she's experienced it all, suffered and toiled, and whatever blah blah.
but maybe i do secretly admire her,
for the way she's so cold, so sure, so definite about her 'NO'.

i don't know.
she's a lovely person to me, and a tolerating, caring roommate,
but i think when it comes to rag,
it's like i dont think we could ever agree much.
it's seldom people will understand.

and even amongst those who have done it before,
the consensus and the feeling differs.

maybe i'm judgemental and all,
but it pisses me off big time when people say all kinds of things after rag like,
'we got to win it back' and like 'i will definitely join rag again' and then now give replies saying they're not so sure whether they want to join rag again.

okay, then why make promises you cannot fulfill?
liars.



does rag mean that little to you?
just something on the spur of the moment?
that you complain and whine about when you're in the midst of it and experiencing failure and having to redo again, and when you're <--> close to success you decide on the feeling of highness and on the spur of the moment you come up with some huge promise to commit your 3 months of heart and time again, only to disappoint those who are REALLY going to commit to it when you suddenly decide there are other better things to do?

if you can't promise you'll do it,
then don't.
don't break people's hearts. cause it's not that simple.
you're giving people false hope.
and if you can't promise you won't do it,
don't promise it either.
cause in the end, they might move your heart.


maybe it really is time to continue walking ahead.
i should stop looking back and caring about the things that have passed.
i have done what i promised, and also paid for the promises i've broken.
and that's that.

but i don't think you'll ever understand,
because for me,
rag is never a simple yes or no.
it's never like that.
it's never a 'worth it or not'
it's never a benefit or liability,
never a pro or con,
never a good or bad,

there's always something about it, something about the people,
that i can't leave behind.

even if i ever say, 'i really need a break' or 'it's time i stopped doing rag',
there's always a small voice at the back of my head,
repeating a possibility,
reminding me of it's presence,
replaying,
rehearsing,
again,
and again,
and again.

it's disappointing really.
at least roomie is responsible for her words and actions.
yes is yes, no is no. for that, i applaud her.

and on how people treat rag,
it's like the last time i talked to J, we had a mini quarrel again and it was kind of due to rag.
and i told him how i disliked the way he talked about it like he wanted to flush it down the toilet, and he even replied to say he knew.
that really pissed me off, like big time.
but i guess we won't be talking much, not like we are now anyway, since he's not in hall anymore.
come to think of it, even when he was, we never made an effort to meetup much to talk like last time in year one, so things changed a lot since then.


it's just seldom people understand, about rag.

don't you think that's true?
or maybe i don't even deserve/i'm not even fit to sprout such words,
such words coming from a 'dancer' like me, a traiter, an outlier, a betrayer...
i guess....

it's complicated.

today, i saw a smile, that i had not seen in quite sometime, and it kind of warmed me a little.
but i'm sure, that's just a coincidence.

when you break promises,
you pay,
and you suffer the consequences.

things will never be the same,
and i assure you they will never go back the way they were.


but it makes me a little sad that next year during may -august i ll be working my ass off for some sick company, earning a miserly little just so i can go on a small little holiday to spend it all away, and not be doing rag. just a little. but i deserve a holiday, or so i tell myself.
i'm really looking forward to it, my birthday next year.

free of all responsibilities, all duties, all obligations.
i will be a free woman [freedom, and womanhood too!]

okay so i'm straying from the main point again.
my point is,

mr loh joonkit openly posted his plans, as well as his dream team, in a rather miserable attempt to garner support and efforts for his cause, aka, rag 2009/2010.
he openly declared his dream team.

i for that matter, will not comment directly on his actions, but rather,
here is MY dream team.
a team that i would want to work with, slave with, die with, do it all over again,
rag head: -
vice head: yap hui ying
administrator: YEOH YEEYEE
chief engineer: -
chief designer: yew hungseng
chief designer: lau hongjin
wardrobe: shazzy [FOREVER]
mass production: esther

i left rag head blank, because mr gui talked to us about it [albeit his head was facing forward when he was walking and we were behind him and to me it seemed he was expressionless with the exception of the part where he mentioned that vijay liew is damn fat] and brought up the possibility of vijay doing rag head again.

why not, i thought.
it was a very attractive thought to me.
vijay has this incredible force, amazing ability to motivate people, to move people to want to do things for him. he's quite a remarkable person, really.

but to me,
though i never ever said,
i always wished it could be you.
i mean, it could be your year.
it should have been. you're not as black, not as famous, not a dragonboater, not a cool chindian, not tall [yes you're fun-sized] and all, but to me, i wished it could be you, that, after 2 years of experiencing all this, fun, pain, shit, laughter, it would be you, and everyone would know of your name, know of your float, your shoe, our shoe, our pride and glory.

but it was not.
and i know it will not happen again.

it's like things can't be turned back.
mistakes cannot be corrected in time.
it's like when you decided to choose answer b instead of c,
at that time, fate was already cast.

and i don't think you would do it again?
maybe you're jaded.
by all the people leaving your side.
slowly, quietly,
turning, and walking in the opposite direction.

i guess we all get tired.

and it is time for somebody new.
though i always wish it could be you.

so when lau hong jin said loh joon kit wanted you to be chief engineer,
i kind of laughed, sadly,
in my heart,
a little.



what a foolish, selfish, naive, young, promising rag head.
foolish, nevertheless.

what would it mean to him?
if next year, they won, and he was the rag head, not you.
even if it wasn't him, if it was vijay, but not you.
would he understand? what it means?
do you understand?


would it happen?



i wonder.