it still disappoints me how much people want so badly to be a performer, rather than the ones silently working, supporting, providing the stage.

it disgusts me, eats at my self, my whole, my thoughts.



a part of me, ex-dancer, ex-chorister [now chorister again!], cannot deny that.

how bright the limelight can be,
how loud the sound of your pounding heart can be,
how high you can ride on the gush of adrenaline,
how proud your stride will be,

how strong the feeling can be, how convincing, how deep.
but a part of me, a part of my pride,
stronger,
more stubborn,
more clear,


stands by, stead fast.
in what i've grown to believe in.

despite how people fail to appreciate it, see it, acknowledge it, acknowledge us.

when the curtains close, and the performers burst out, chattering in excitement,
we stand in the shadows, quietly, silently, patiently, firmly,
a smile, a heave of relief, a gentle sigh,



i don't know.

it confuses me, sometimes.
my heart lies in too many places, but my aligences are clear, and i only have one pair of feet and one pair of hands to live with.
------------------------------------

when i sang today, eyebrows lifted, cheekbones high, mouth open, with a slight smile at the ends, i felt a warmth gush through me, as my head voice lifted the note high above, exactly where i imagined it.

ah,
懐かしい。
この気持ち。。。憶えてる。

and the feeling of my diagphragm, and the wonder of it at work;

it was like i was 13 again;
standing inside the seminar room, nervously holding my hands,
as miss tham's fingers moved across the piano, and the notes soared higher and higher, in my mind i told myself i wouldn't make it. then she smiled and told me to relax, and that i could reach much higher.

it was like i was 17 again;
and you were by my side, chew hui ghee,
your voice, warm, comforting, your posture, your facial expression, perfect,
your eyes, focused and oh-so-serious,
my eyes, full of awe, full of joy, full of contentment.
just to be able to sing by your side.
by your side.
thomas, ben, eugene, huey, screw, shermaine, ck, shaun, rambutan,....

what i would give to go again, to germany, with you,
to sing in that catherdral, on that very day,
our spirits, lifted,
our voices, soaring,
our faces, smiling.

what i would give to sing again, with you,
silly little tunes, with nonsense sounds,
12-part arrangements, with crazy ranges,
2 or 1 people sections,
and fancy hotels, with nice smelling lobbies,
weird santas, and curious caucasians,
christmas carolling, and supper after.


i miss singing.

i know.

hello,

welcome back. :)