this time last year, i had just quit my job and officially started slacking around at home. in fact, almost immediately since graduation, i had been working non-stop; job-hopping, as some might put it, eyeing an internship while hanging onto a less-prestigous day job at batamview, planning to work at night to supplement my income while starting the 100% unpaid internship...then finally quitting both sides to take a break to tidy things up, arrange for school applications, arrange for hall applications, arrange for my first step into varsity life.

no more having to travel to ubi to and fro on 28.
no more roti prata with helen and bitching sessions about the smoking witch/mistress of the boss amanda, no more chance encounters with bear at the stairway

no more having to deal with those brand-conscious people
no more art therapy sessions with judy
no more sitting in her counselling sessions
no more having to sit around office, waiting to be told to do low-level-brain activity tasks like printing out and typing PRESS BUTTON notices
no more having to wear covered shoes
no more occasional lunches at paragon, sleeping at starbucks to pass lunchtime and avoid going back to do nothing

no more having to wear that red-coloured qi pao
no more having to deal with my nerves everytime i walk past the kitchen full of sex-deprived chefs
no more mini chit-chat sessions with my co-workers
no more suppers after work with hui chiang
no more eyeing with hui chiang during unbusy work








and now, here i am.
i know i should be studying my sociology textbook [really.]
it says so on my timetable [that i planned for today, just about 10 mins ago] that im supposed to do the chapter on class and stratification. but i flipped the first few pages and i just realised things look familar.
but im not sure if im familar enough with the text that i can write essays on it eh.

my grades have been disappointing me.
its not that they are very bad.
at this point of time, last sem,
i had high hopes for my final CAP score, precisely because i had an average of B or above for every single assignment or presentation for all my 5 modules, only 1 of them being a year 1 module. im not bragging, its just something i was and should be happy about.
but things arent looking so rosy this sem.
i think i manage a B- average, but it depends. dont know the results for some papers and mid-terms.

what high hopes for my CAP?

i want my honours,
but what is it that i really want?

when you tell me, with disdain, when i suggest a double major, that you want your honours, what is it that you actually want?
i think we ve all become so paper-chasing that we ve forgotten.

besides thinking that what my dad says about the joy and pride of the pursuit of knowledge is crap, sometimes, for a large part, i do think that its true. perhaps its part of my contradictory nature; i love to confuse myself.



what i want is to be happy.
i don't really know what i want.

a 3rd class honours isnt worth the trouble, if thats what im going to get.
so i'll have to work hard. if i dont get it, then i ll have to accept it...
find a job, earn money for my masters, which is what i really want, for now...




i dont know what i want.

i just want to draw,
draw all day.
listen to people,
maybe talk to them a bit,
look at the stuff they draw.

do things have to be so hard?