absurd, absurd, naive, naive.

im listening to david tao's airport 10:30 and wondering how i managed to strike up a conversation as insipid, as foolish and meaningless as what actually happened.
the whole point is, there IS no point.

explaining the insider's view to an outsider is a serious waste of time
wait, but
im the outsider. i realised.

this is irrelevant and random, but i suddenly remember about marginal communites in SEA.
can i consider myself marginalized in hall? i suppose it goes both ways, if you think lowly of yourself, it doesnt help, cause others would probably think so too;
like how some rag seniors were lamenting the low and unprestigous status of raggers in hall.

i forget how absurd it is.
i mean, shes nice, and how concerned she sounds, and how sympathetic
but i dont want your sympathy, dont need it.
i feel like telling her, its not so bad, theres nothing wrong with me, im not some person with some birth defect or some deficeit or some scary disease
im a little boring and dont look that fabulous; im not that good at sports, and dont have the tanned, gorgeous greek-god body;
but it doesnt mean im an misfit.


i wanted to,
but i didnt.

i dont know why; dont know whats wrong.
i havent been comfortable in my skin for... since...
i dont know...

hall just isnt as fantastic as i had envisioned; its every bit as fucked up as some people make it to be, sometimes. its a little sad to be side-lined, and sadder when you end up playing second fiddle, but even then there's no hate, but rather some bitter after taste left in my mouth for me to savour when things are over and done.

im sure it must have been sincere, but with every word, it seemed to get harder.
im finding less and less faith in people nowadays.
even less worth in myself...

i can't help questioning; is it my fault that i dont fit in?
that sometimes i dont feel quite right; feel inadequate, feel insecure, feel uneasy

i've made some pretty good friends regardless; jj, wayne, mr m. etc.
but its not like some regular hangout clique
i suppose i should enjoy the solitude, but to be honest, i dont. i enjoy, thrive in, crave friendship. the kind of friendship that only 3 people i ve known for 7 years can give....



it doesnt help that this place rejected one of them...
she was supposed to be my roommate...


ok, so im deciding not to face the problem now.
or rather, theres nothing to face,
cause im an eusoff reject.
*laughs*
its amusing,
cause all i've been waiting for, just a small sign
a reason for me to leave this love-hate place.

and now it's come
im feeling pensive and ambivalent.
and now im just looking for a convincing reason to stay [besides my 8-10kg kendo bogu]

it doesnt help that i came here looking for some solace, for some escape.
its like running into some new shit to escape the old shit
which in actual fact, lands you into more shit.
oh the irony of all matters and such.
alas, i admit i am but a weak fool.

misfit. it rolls nicely off my tongue.
i think i ll be using this word quite frequently now.
who knows? it might even become my pet word.



and i dont know if its me [again]
but i dont seem to be getting along with the girls in hall.
i mean, they re fine and im ok and everything, and nobody hates me i suppose
but theres no close, promising signs of friendship.
there are close friends of the opposite sex, but the lack of close female friends irks me, consumes me....

gosh, reading the textbook makes me feel disgusted;
i ve tried all kinds of methods to assimilate, to make sure i blend into the crowd;
assimilation, internal colonialism, absorption, integration, even to the extent i was so depressed at one point i nearly performed ethnic cleansing on myself, in mental and psychological terms, just wanted to destroy who i am to recreate myself to fit in

i suppose this will all come to an end, when all fails
theres always expulsion; forcible removal of population from a territory claimed by another population

it means i leave this place.

if only.

on a quiet night like this,
with only the echos of mayyin and boey from downstairs, contemplating where to stay next sem,
i should be sleeping, not mulling over these insignificant matters.



qiuping: maybe if you came, it would have been different
if this place hadnt rejected you, like how its rejecting me now
if you were here, if we could stay together, bear this together, support each other
if only; just your existence in this place, which is seemingly cold at times...
i remember all the fantastic plans we had for room decoration;
my room-warming present for you is left sitting my my drawer;
the sparkle in your eyes, planning for furniture purchase;
the resigned voice breaking the news of rejection
and my broken heart.

eusoff hall broke my heart.
and now its doing it again.


i dont think i ll ever let someone break my heart. not even once, not to say twice.
maybe its time,
to pack up my bags,
and leave.

rag will leave me with some good memories to cover this bitter aftertaste.
im looking forward to rag, kendo grading and nationals, after the dreary exams.

everything isnt hearts and flowers, or roses
but things arent so bad.